Since a kid I’ve always had wild mood swings, anger, much depression, feelings of wanting to die, it all started before I ever even had a drink or any drug. I’ve always used because of my messed up brain. I’ve tried to get help for the past decade. But nothing seems to help. Other than distractions. It never goes away and the sadness and anger never ends. Have tried countless meds, countless therapists, and am about to try yet another new therapist next week. Meetings don’t help, I feel just as lonely at any meeting than I do alone. I talk to myself out loud much much more than I talk to any other human combined. I’ve never felt so alone, as I’ve come to realization that nobody can help me but myself, and I’m not sure how to help myself. I try and try new things, nothing brings joy, and I hate everything. Not asking for help or advice as nobody is going to have advice that I haven’t tried already. Just getting this out there, I’m not sure what else to do but just keep holding on. I’ve held on for a decade but things don’t get better. A lot of times I want to give up, but I’ll keep fighting until my body decides to give out
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Josh, you described my inner experience of decades and still do at times. Yesterday I felt rage for no apparent reason. Before sobriety and really emotional sobriety, I use to beat people up on a weekly basis. Ya I spent time locked up in jail many times. But the real prison was in my mind.
Once I truly dug deeeeeeeep on the steps, I started to get relief. I’m here if you ever want to talk. I sponsor as well.