I'm am truly struggling through my relationship. It's been very bumpy and we both love eachother very much and want to be tg and we both WANT to a family . We have 1 child together and I have 4 boys from other relationship but three of the 4 live with us . ...
But I am just torn between what I know is right and would be good for both of us and what my selfish pathetic little heart wants...
He is a great man a good role model for my boys soon to be men... but he is not happy with me and he dose not see me fitting his picture of his family .. I have no issue admitting that I had kids to young and had and still have no idea what I'm doing but for 12 years I been doing it my oldest is 12 13 in march. And they really are great kids.. I admit my faults when it comes to bad times like violent relationships not for them but for myself... also some emotional things for example my 8 year olds father used to tell my boys f what I said they didn't have to listen to me .and call me terrible things In front of them talk about things that are not appropriate. Because he is an addict and when he wasn't high he was mean but when he was high he wasn't there either... but either way I can admit to that and many more instances where I know it caused trauma for my kids.. I admit it to you all here I can admit it to my fiancé . But it's been very clear as of recently that us living together is just not working and will not work right now...
He doesn't understand or respect the fact that I am a recovering addict. And that's where I think I lost him forever because I was getting high while we were together and I was high functioning my kids were fully taken care of and very very happy I kept full time jobs worked over time when it was available. But also he dosent support or care to be empathetic to my mental health needs such as having such bad anxiety that I sometimes can't do things i also have such bad depression and anxiety "freeze" I call them and it's when I get so upset about something that I litteraly get stuck in one spot Esther I'm texting with someone and having a disagreement or other things I can't pin point right this moment but I will just get stuck and it's like in a blink of an eye 5 hours are past and I haven't gotten any of my goals for the day done at all and I'm feeling guilty and lazy so I too of already feeling bad about myself it makes me feel worse . So sometimes it could turn into a 2 day pause in my self.
But I love him so very very much and I do deserve so much to be with this man and be a family get married and finally do things "right"
But we can't communicate and always have issue understanding eachother and he always wants to just "agree to disagree"on everything and I don't want to do that for the rest of our lives I want to work things out I want to know eachother . We don't even laugh or joke with eachother it's clearly just not working but it's upsetting because when it is talked about we both want the same things .
But he also has issues with my past and expresses how exhausting it is to deal w me and my issues or me having to dose 3 days out of the week which takes me 5 min tops in and out and by the end of the month I will only have to go 1 day out of the week
So it seems that no matter what it is it's an issue and dosent work for him so it's just not working for us at all!
I'm so heart broken completely.
And he's getting closer with my boys especially my oldest and I don't want them to lose another man in their lives because they have emotional and connection issues because of that .
So I'm sorry this is a very very long post but it's hanging on me so heavy and I'm in so much pain deep in my heart so much pain !