Hi family! I am so alone right now. 21 years ago this December I lost my first true love to a car accident and I have been using alcohol and women to fill that void. I even got married and had a daughter. Divorced now and more than 350 miles away from my daughter. Gave up drinking finally 2 1/4 years ago and have had 5 failed relationships since then. My drinking definitely ended my marriage as we both were alcoholics. Now it is mental health issues that ended the last 2.
This most recent one stings the most because my depression, anxiety and ADHD were the cause. Her mother died of alcoholism & depression 18 years ago and even though I am seeking treatment, my struggles triggered memories of her childhood watching her mother kill herself with booze and depression. She said she couldn’t go through watching another person she loved die as a result of their depression.
Immediately prior to being let go, I took myself to the ER in the midst of a major depressive episode when thoughts that I would be better off not here anymore were flooding my brain. 2 days into inpatient, she dumped me on the telephone. I am completely heart broken, have no close friends, high anxiety about EVERYTHING and I don’t have any long term tools to fix things since alcohol is not an option.
The clinicians tell me that it IS going to hurt before it gets better. I really don’t know how I will get through this hurt to see the positive with no coping mechanisms. I am a people person by nature but find myself isolating because I am afraid to show my sadness, tears and sorrow in front of coworkers, casual acquaintances and complete strangers. My parents and sister live in the SW and they are also coping with my father’s dementia so I do not want to burden them. My mom and sister know I am in a treatment program but I try not to let them know the severity of my hurting.
I guess I am reaching out for help and to be honest, I need concrete solutions not empty ra ra statements or AA catch phrases. I go to an addiction recovery support group every Sunday and AA on Wednesday evenings. Also, my insurance blows and I will have to pay btw 6-7 k before my deductible is met and then coinsurance is like 40/60. I cannot afford treatment but I going deep into debt with this occasion and
I know that I cannot even afford the PHP and IOP that I have for the next 18 business days.
Ironically, I feel at ease in these programs because I have others around me throughout the day. Now I am alone after treatment and at night. The upcoming weekend scares the dickens out of me. I need help in a bad way and do not know where else to go. HELP PLEASE.
(Sorry this turned into a MH situation but I have a strong idea the alcohol masking my grieving and healing process, has doomed me to die alone, scared, and depressed, so I am asking the collective you for support)