Today, I woke up with anxiety and guilt, like there is a hollow rock sitting in my chest, making it difficult for me to breathe.
This happens from time to time. It's been going on for 2 years. It surprises me that I felt less anxious the first year I was sober.
The past 2 years seem to be whizzing by as well. I don't like the idea that my life seems to be moving faster than normal, and I don't relish in the beauty and enjoyment of my day like I once did.
I also seem to be aging faster. I have more gray hair than I did, my eyes have bags under them more often, and my skin has a rough quality to it. Nothing like that warm and rosey glow i had the first year.
I don't fully understand why that is. I could say it is stress-related, but I would be lying to myself.
There's too much evidence pointing to this conclusion being untrue.
I am practically minded, grounded in the physical & hard evidence these days, like many modern physicians, however, a more holistic approach to medicine and health would be preferred.
I promised myself to never be back in this world of brokenness and fixation on all things "healing." I feel a lot better when I am living a life free from this total self-help lifestyle. Self-help is only one slice of the pie that makes my life complete, not the whole thing!
But I'm not being given any other viable options. It's like the universe - powers that be - thrust me back into one area of my life I was already well-versed in.
Sort of similar to being forced to slowly reread a book you know by heart even though you no longer want to and are receiving very little from its words, pages, and narrative.
I've outgrown my present reality.