Hey y’all! I hope everyone is having a peaceful week leading up to the holidays.
I made the decision to go home for Christmas. DEEP BREATH
I chose not to go home for Thanksgiving, simply because I wasn’t ready. My nieces & nephew were disappointed, and I told them I’d be home for Christmas. It’s important for me to follow through & be there for them. When I moved in with my mom to care for her after her stroke, my sister & her kids were living with her at the time. I spent a lot of time taking care of them during that time, while also trying to take care of my mom. It was the most difficult time of my life. My sister was having her own struggles at the time, and was absent quite a bit. So the kiddos came to depend on me, and it was really hard for them when I moved away, especially the girls. My nephew is 15, so he has a better understanding of the situation. He had to grow up way too fast. On a positive note, we’ve remained very close, & he feels safe to come to me with his mental health issues, which I am SO GRATEFUL FOR.
Anyway. As excited as I am to see all of them, it’s really painful. I know moving away was what I had to do to survive & get back on my feet. If I’m not okay, I’m not going to be any use to those kids. But it’s still hard. I recognize similar trauma in them that I’m still healing from, and it breaks my heart. It’s been several months since I’ve seen them, so I know going home for Christmas is what I need to do for them and for myself. I would feel terrible if I didn’t follow through, & I’m already making a plan for when I get anxious/overwhelmed. I’ve rented a car for the trip, so I’ll be able to take a drive, or hit a meeting for some support. I also have a couple close friends in the area that I’ve reached out to, so I’m trying to cover all my bases! It will only be for three days, so I’m trying to focus on the positives. It’ll be nice to see them & read to them & watch them open their gifts. I want to make it a happy time for them; so that’s what I’m trying to focus on. I’ll definitely keep posting & reaching out. Thank you guys for all of your support. This is not an easy time of year for any of us, and all of you are so brave. We’re in this together.