Can I just say how lonely it gets sitting in the hospital, uncertain about your baby’s future with nothing but time to think of the various outcomes?! It’s been 2 weeks since I was admitted and I have at least another 7 weeks to go…even knowing that my job is being held and that I have support…it’s the tears I cry inside that no one knows about or sees that get to me the most. It’s knowing all the things that I want to do differently so that my past doesn’t repeat itself. It’s trying to be Independent but still needing to rely on people and feeling bad about it because my choices got me to where I am today. It’s knowing that I almost aborted my son when I found out I was pregnant and than ignored my pregnancy and used for another 2 months before cleaning my act up and going to the doctor. It’s feeling like I’m not worthy and hearing my 15 and 13 year old ask me if I ever heard of condoms - the same year they just came back into my life because of the choices I made. It’s wondering How it’s going to make my 15, 13, 11, 7, & 5 year old feel if I can successfully raise this child but I couldn’t be there and be the parent that they all needed me to be. And these are all things that have always bothered me but than I would fail that child…I don’t want to do that again. I don’t want to become what my dad became to me…and I never wanted to become what my mother became to me - but here I am. I love all my children. And I truly believe this child is a blessing, just like the rest Of my children were…I just don’t want to fail Hayden like I failed my other 5. And I’m a work in progress…I’m recovering from a lifetime of trauma and abuse, along with addiction and codependency…and it is so far from easy…I just second guess every move and decision I make and never know if it’s the right one! #WeDoRecover #addictedmothers #survivor #makingadifference #speakingout
Prayers
That’s a lot. You can change. It’s not easy, but you can do it. You can’t do it all at once. Give yourself some grace. Addiction is a beast. It takes away our power to choose. Recovery is all about finding our power of choice, and making this choice one day at a time. You can’t change the past, but you can write your future. Keep pushing
You will be alright. Your doing everything you can. Keep your head up. Glad your made it through it. I can relate with Trauma I have PTSD I take no medications. I been sober almost 2 years from all chemicals. Put your faith in God a human will not fulfill you. Your allowed to feel how you feel just don't let it eat at you. That is my opinion so your doing good.
You learned a lot remember that and your being way to hard on yourself too. We are our own worst critic sure you could have done better but your are doing everything you can. You are there today it's not going to be easy but your important. Not so important that you get it misunderstood but still very much important!
Thank you for sharing. You can only do the best you can now and hope that one day your children can understand you were sick with addiction. Sending love and support 
You’re carrying so much on your shoulders, and it’s clear how deeply you care about being the best parent you can be. The fact that you’re working through your past and showing up for your kids now speaks volumes about your strength and character. Hayden, like all your children, is so lucky to have you fighting to break the cycle. Remember, you’re building a new path. Sending you love and encouragement, you’re doing more than you know.
Thank you!