"Look at the world for what it is, not as you want it to be."
"Who you're becoming matters more than who you've been."
"The person you need to become... is already watching you. They're waiting to see if you break or build. One step at a time. One day at a time. Become that person."
"There's a version of you that's better off having gone through h*ll..."
My worst moment of drinking started June 3, 2025. My wife who has Complex Regional Pain Syndrome and lost her left leg above the knee due to a severe car accident we were in years ago, was having what should have been a routine pain pump replacement surgery.
Routine definitely was not what it was. After the surgery (it was outpatient) we returned home and I left briefly to get her prescriptions. When I got home, all I could hear was her screams of pain. If you don’t know what CRPS is please look it up. The pain associated to this disease is actually worst than that of an amputation when it goes unchecked. Needless to say I rushed her to the ER.
Once in the ER, we played the usually waiting game. The entire time she's crying and wailing in so much pain. It took what felt like forever to get a room, contact the surgeon, or even see the doctor. Long story short. Her pain pump wasn't doing it's job. After hours of dilaudid and valium that got her pain under control.
During this whole time, I found myself helpless. My comforting and reassurances didn't help. And somewhere during the experience I broke mentally and emotionally. All I was thinking was "16 years of this"... how could she go on like this? How can I go on like this?
That evening I drank a 5th of rum when we got home. I wanted to be numb. I wanted an escape. That was the start of my heavy drinking. Every week night I would have sevetal drinks than go to bed. It was the only way I could get any sleep and keep my mind from thinking about "her pain". On the weekends I would drink a gallon and a half by Sunday evening. I thought I had things under control.
One weekday I remember waking up, getting a glass of water and noticed the 1/2 a 5th was gone. Curious I asked my wife what happened to and she said "you drank it" while sleep walking. I was in disbelief... Over the next few weeks it started to occur more frequently.
Just a side note. I sleepwalk under stress and have been known to sit at the kitchen table acting out working on the computer or writing things down...all in my sleep.
July 19th was my rock bottom. I woke up to my wife and son afraid of me. I asked what happened and the response was "you did". I drank while sleepwalking again a verbally assaulted my wife for two hours (that's when I found out I did that everytime I was a "zombie").
I didn't believe her until she said I was also self-harming. Apparently I took a knife and sliced my arm up. In disbelief again, I checked my arm and it was swollen and had fresh knife wounds. My bed was covered in blood. I went cold turkey that day.
July 20th coincidentally my cousin calls and makes an offer I tried to deny. She found a sponsor in California that would pay for my detox and rehab. Typical of most drunks, I thought I could do this on my own and told her I needed to get things straight at home first.
I've never had the amount of alcohol that I had, in my body ever. I should not of detoxed on my own but I did. I had the sweats, nauseas, small tremors, and then finally a siezure. That was day 5 of detoxing. I broke down called the rehab facility and made plans to leave that Sunday.
I did what you shouldn't do when detoxing. My excuse was I needed someone to take care of my wife. I drove from Michigan to Maryland. During our overnight rest I had a couple small drinks to ease the detox symptoms and the next day dropped off my wife to my cousin.
Sunday July 27th I made my way to the airport, drank my last 3 long island ice teas and waited for my flight. Well, it was canceled.
Monday, July 28th I flew from Baltimore to Los Angeles. I had one rum and coke. My driver for the "house", Mikey picked me and one other person up. That drive to Orange County started my rehab. Mikey talked about the 12 steps and his sobriety.
I'll shorten the story here. I stayed at Ocean Hills Recovery for 20 days. Every day I woke up at 6:30 am. Worked out, had a clean breakfast and then went to group therapy for 5 hours. Had a 2 hour break, dinner, and then off we went to an AA/CA/NA meeting. We got home by 9 pm and did it again...7 days a week. I saw a therapist twice a week for an hour.
Part of our therapy was learning to meditate and breathwork. These were things I was disconnected from due to my drinking. Once upon a time I was a massage therapist and into holistic health.
After my 20 days there, I felt amazing. When I got home I went to 1 or 2 meetings a day. Life was going great. I returned to work August 31st and thought sobriety was going to be easy.
September 11th my wife and I had a little argument and she asked for a divorce. Like any man, I said maybe your right and we originally said it was mutual. Within a day I was trying to apologize, I knew I was in the wrong, but she had her mind made up and said it was the best thing for us...
I still struggle with this. I held my marriage vows sacred, but realized I was "micro-cheating" by talking to other women online. I always stated I was married, but conversations with other women were more engaging than with my wife. This is where I realized we had drifted apart a long time ago. I'm pretty sure it started when she physically withdrew from me because of her disease almost 6 years ago. I have been celibate since then. Never once physically cheated on her.
I'm 105 days sober today. I'm definitely in a much better place physically and spiritually. Emotionally, I still struggle with my 30 year marriage ending like this...
But I haven't been this clear of mind in a very long time. My motto is "One day at a time" and I know part of my purpose is to help someone else find this journey called "Sobriety".
Maybe one day I'll find another woman that I will treat like a queen and not make the mistakes I previously made.
If you made it this far in my story, thank you. We're all here on this app looking for the same thing. Together we can help lift each other up and enjoy this life sober.
Love you all!
Rob
