In my journey I have experienced a lot of ups and downs. Misery is optional, pain is inevitable. Feeling feelings good or bad for me sucked.
I opened up at my home group about my spiritual experience when I first left a psychiatric hold.
I was at the end of my favors from friends. And I was on a park bench and had x amount of money and was able to get a gun and some alcohol.
Before I share. The rest of the story id like to point out I was the type of person who cried because I didn’t want to keep doing what I was doing. And I still cried because it was what kept me going.
When I was on that bench I had a gun and bottle and my back pack. I was so mad that I was done. And I was so sad that I became oh so very numb.
My best solution was to drink and or pull the trigger. Crying hoping against all hope that I didn’t have to do this anymore.
Then I had an experience that I cannot explain came to fruition.
On the one hand i was told “I’ll make you a deal and I’ll take your pain away… qll you have to do is come with me. “
On the other hand. I heard “Do you want to live? Or do you want to die?
Because surviving won’t work anymore. This won’t be easy. This is going to hurt. There’s a path i lay and you shall follow. “
In the end it is wasn’t about who, or how for me I still struggle with why.”
Don’t lose hope because I asked God to save me or kill me. And here I am.
Thanks,
Arthur
