I almost slipped… because of romance!

Recovery
#1

early on in recovery I vowed that when the time was right I would only date someone who also abstains from substances. recently, I met someone (not in recovery) whom I liked very much - a rare occasion for me.

I did not take any steps to actively use but I flirted with the edge. I thought, “wouldn’t it be easier if I could just have a drink? and date like normal people do?”

fyi it’s not that I felt uncomfortable getting to know someone while sober - I’m cool with that and prefer it :slight_smile: it’s more that I wanted to fit easily into their social scene, and I just can’t do that.

needless to say this has gone nowhere — I have pulled back my energy and recommitted to myself.

the fact that I even considered!!! using to make another person interested in me is insane.

has anyone been here?

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#4

agreed, much more fulfilling ! I prefer it 100 to 1. this was more an issue of priorities

#6

Hey V! Thanks for sharing. It’s a very interesting topic. I have some thoughts based on personal experience. I relapsed after many years of sobriety, and one of the important things I’m doing differently this time is making my wife more active in my recovery social life. I told her i need a balance of sober interaction to offset our other social friends. For instance, this Friday night we have some “norm ies” coming over to the house to hang out. Saturday night we are going out with 2 couples from my AA meetings. I invite my wife to come with me to anniversary nights at my meetings, and she has gotten to know my sober friends. It has really helped me/us tremendously. I realize it’s different because we are already in a committed relationship, but I suggest you try and incorporate your sober lifestyle into your next relationship. It may scare a few away, but it’s better than having to cut bait after falling hard for someone and realizing it’s not healthy for you. It’s probably a more fair and honest thing to do early on while dating.

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#7

SoberinSoFlo, This is a really great suggestion. In the two relationships I have been in since getting sober I have been very open about my sobriety and everything that entails. Dating sober is f*cking hard, but I have realized the only way I’m going to find my person is by being honest and open and including them in my sobriety in ways. V, keeping our sobriety first is hard when there’s someone enticing that seems just out of reach, what I have learned is that ultimately they are not worth it, but I am. So keep your sobriety first and a person will come at sometime and it will just work.

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#9

I used to say that women would cause my relapse. The truth is that it was me that went into a relationship before I had good sobriety under my belt and issues still unresolved. I just got out of a relationship with a heavy drinker/borderline alcoholic. Not that being around the drinking bothered me or made me want to drink. It’s that when I saw her getting sloppy and slurring her words it brought me back to how I acted and how unhealthy the relationship was. Not saying she was a bad person. I love her very much but I needed space to really give AA a chance and work the steps. Sometimes there are growing pains that suck but are necessary.

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#10

Please don’t be hard on yourself for considering it! As someone who’s single, I’ve definitely worried about how my sobriety might impact the chance of romantic connection, so I promise you that you’re not alone. What matters is that you have recommitted to yourself and your sobriety. We need to prioritize our recovery over anything else and know that there are plenty of supportive potential partners out there. Proud of you!

#11

What a helpful post and helpful responses. Just curious, how long were you in recovery when you started to date this person (if I may ask)?

#12

I'm yet to date in sobriety. Hella nervous too. I also am saying I only want to date a sober person or normy. But I take your story as a warning...I could see how it could be hard if I might the right person or thought I did and they weren't sober...oh how fun life is.....

#13

Yes. Absolutely, dating at my age is hard enough but trying to accommodate someone’s habits…. It’s difficult to say the least. I tell dates before we meet that I’m in AA, etc… the response is often super positive at first, but as time goes by you’re just not as much fun, or don’t want to go out again, or are ready to go home. I tried dating women who claimed to be supportive. It just didn’t work for me. (No offense ladies I’m sure guys are worse).
So, although lonely, I’ve learned to be content being single and waiting for someone 100% on the same page, it’s the only way I can see a relationship working for me at this point. But that’s cool too, I’m sober.

#14

I completely understand and that kind of situation has really taken me down and broke my spirit! U can do this girl and u don’t need that kind of temptation or distraction.

#15

Absolutely have been there! It's hard, it created anxiety and self doubt or insecurity with how the other person viewed me...it's awful. Then I remembered who I am. I am not a drinker and it certainly does not define me. Remember when you were a child, before you learned about all the bullshit that was taught to you in adulthood? Rediscovering who you were/are will likely not include drinking, and if it does, go back further...lol although my grandmother used to mix a little beer in my bottle for napping, you know what I mean. Stick to being YOU, you can't go wrong.

#16

When I got sober the first time (was single at the time), I set a minimum of one year before I’d date. Take the year to get to know myself, God, and learn to be comfortable in my own skin. I actually went 3 years before I dated, then I met my wife, and we’ve now been married for over 10 years. Our marriage has endured the loss of our daughter, my relapse, and is now stronger than ever now that I’m in recovery again.

My point is, take enough time to be single and in recovery, get to know yourself and God. You seem to have a good recovery going, and great job not slipping. Keep up the good work!

#17

I relate to this a lot. It can be hard, especially if you live in a city/culture that is very conducive to bars & nightlife. Hope you are able to put yourself first - and ideally, in time, you will cross paths with someone else who fits into your healthy lifestyle.

#18

If you have with in a year.wait for a year.we change so much in our life. Go to lots of meetings.every day for a year.:dromedary_camel:

#19

Yes I’m in your position now, I’ve been sober nine months and I haven’t met anyone and sometimes I think we’ll maybe I can just go an have 3 drinks and meet someone but I’m pretty sure that would result in me using again… & then a waste of nine months. Temptation is very strong

#20

I have been dating a lot and I'm recently sober and told the guy "I have to take care of myself" and I've never said something that confidently to a potential partner before cause I always wanted to be liked or to keep peace. No more!!! :peace_symbol:

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#21

that’s amazing Gina. it’s also such a sign of self-respect, which is a great quality in a partner !! anyone who doesn’t value that is a no, right? I feel like wanting to be liked has probably gotten so many of us into trouble

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