I am an alcoholic. There is no doubt. I am miserable with it and miserable without. I am in 50s and losing a lot because of it: minutes, hours and possibly years if I can't quit. In the last year, I have only been successful being sober for 2 days. I am embarrassed to attend AA. I am embarrassed to look in the mirror.
Have you tried zoom meetings? You’re not alone. We’ve all been where you’re at. Do your best and keep up the struggle. One minute, hour, day at a time. Eventually you’ll make it.
I am telling you straight that embarrassment = ego and that has to go if you want to get and than maintain sobriety. Once you walk through those door, take a seat and let yourself simply be with others who are on the same journey, your embarrassment will take a back seat, I promise.
No one would be sober if we let our embarrassment which is really our shame stop us from getting clean. I have almost 33 yrs sober and my very 1st step was in an AA mtg.
They don't work for everyone, I get that, but you have to try. What you're doing now is not working for you, you have to be fearless in finding your way to a path that works for you.
K Bradford has a great idea, do a Zoom mtg and stay off camera until you feel comfortable facing the group. You can get there...just drop those worthless feelings of embarrassment in the garbage can on your way out:)
2 Likes
I am in my fifties also. You don’t have to be embarrassed. Maybe it would be good to check in with a hospital and rehab. Because you can’t do this my yourself
I have found my greatest support and my best knowledge and understanding in my AA meetings. You can find meetings online.
Forgive yourself, Love yourself!! Self loathing will keep you in a very bad place. You ARE worthy of love. Feel it and let it go!!!
When the fear of picking up a drink exceeds the fear of attending an AA meeting, you'll know where to find us... No one comes to AA on a winning streak & you'll meet people just like you. You've got nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I was reading a book called "Lead like Jesus" and it has a chapter in there addressing ego issues. The author contended that every addiction is rooted in ego
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. You gotta do something differently. As K Bradford said- attend a meeting online. There are plenty of them. You must face this. If not- you will die in addiction.
@Asher It's an interesting theory but I'm not sure that I agree. My point really was empowerment. Especially when peer pressure is strong & you haven't changed the people you hang out with, sometimes that determination to be a Leader for yourself and not a sheep hanging with others can be strengthening.
1 Like
You're stuck in something called "the hamster wheel". My blunt advice is to enter detox and challenge yourself with AA meetings. It's scary at first, but once you realize people are only there to help and also hold you accountable, you gain a sense of community and self-worth to start out on
You haven’t hit bottom
1 Like
Totally agree with what you're saying. I had hoped I'd be one of those people who could just have a drink..but I can't
I know it is so hard when people are blunt but it is what it is. You can go to rehab, you can go cold turkey, you can try any number of combinations but the truth of it is: you have to be sick and fucking tired of being sick and tired. Quit thinking & go to a meeting. You may hear what seems like a bunch of drama/nonsense/or shit that you think doesn't apply to you & that's ok. If you hear ONE thing you can relate to in a meeting, awesome, you left with knowledge AND you spent roughly 1.5 hrs not drinking. It's a win/win situation. It's like Ruth said, if you're still deciding, you may not have hit rock bottom but it sounds like you know it's coming so get in front of it.
We are all here to support you and each other. I don't make a lot of promises but I can promise you this: life will still be life...even when you're sober. I'm going through some of the worst trauma I have ever had in my life but the fact that I am sober and thus able to face this thing head on, be there and I mean really present for those who need is one of the biggest gifts of sobriety.
1 Like