I am not a patient person, nor am I a disciplined one. I have made many excuses for my behavior, but the truth is, if you have to live a life in secret, is it really a life at all? The pressure of trying to be everything for everyone is overwhelming, and it's also a lie. I can't pretend anymore that I am not a dishonest person. I can't blame my chaotic life solely on my overbearing mother or my emotionally abusive ex-husband. At some point, I—meaning me, myself—chose to give away my power to be "taken care of."
In a job interview once, I described myself as "a great right-hand man." But what I was really saying was, please don't put me in charge. What if I say the wrong thing or make the wrong choice? What if someone disagrees with me? Would that really be the end of the world? Does everything have to be a fight?
I am genuinely trying to learn and grow old gracefully. My greatest fear is that I will end up alone, and that's where all the lying, people-pleasing, and mask-wearing come from. However, if I'm ever going to be whole and live a sober life, the first lie I have to discard is the idea that drinking is my friend. The reality is that my drinking has reinforced my greatest fear. It made me angry and isolated. I feel like a pathetic, obnoxious porcupine. Look at me, I am so sad. Come on, just hug me. Ignore the giant stabbing quills I am covered in that freaking hurt you every single time you get close..
I know I have to admit that I am powerless against my addiction. But I am starting to realize that I am only powerless if I give in and drink. If I pretend I don’t have a problem or try to be like everyone else, I am not being true to myself. I am Lisa, and I am an alcoholic. But I am also Lisa first, and she is so many other things. I can be so much more if I am honest and ask for help