I am not in active addiction but I'm not in

Struggling Help
#1

Iam new here and not sure how to navigate this site. Please be patient and understanding if i do something wrong. I am not in active addiction but I'm not in recovery either. My addiction left me disabled. Now, i am living with the consequences of my relapse on meth after 12 years of clean time. Not only am i disabled from it but i also have children who are grown and have their own addictions like alcohol and Co dependency and idk how to be supportive when they're in denial and place all the blame on me and everything but themselves.
My alcoholic son is staying with me to help me after a recent surgery. We get into it frequently. I do not recognize him. He is not my sweet boy anymore. He is verbally abusive and mean and everything falls back on me.
I do know some things about recovery, what works and what doesn't. Been there and done that. He is in complete denial and becomes combative over it almost daily. I'm losing my mind and my will to keep trying. It is ruining our relationship and I'd rather die than lose any of my kids.
I don't wish to use again, but i do fear for my sanity and my desire to live.
I'm just trying to find peace and help.
Sorry for the rant. I have plenty more but i thought I'd keep it short. Lol

If I'm in the wrong place, please just lmk and i will not be a bother.

7 Likes
#2

At some point in our lives we all have to make the decision to move on and work through our trauma, if we don't then we are deciding to stay with that pain. If your children can't do that, than THEY still have work they need to do on themselves. Hopefully that can bring you some peace knowing that, even if they don't. One more thing before i submit, remember, it's never worth it to make a permanent decision based on a temporary feeling.

3 Likes
#3

Thank you

#4

Thank you for sharing Joni. You are not in active addiction but you're in active recovery and that's great. If someone isn't ready to begin their journey of sobriety you can't force that. You may need to focus on self-care, mentally, physically and emotionally. You are not in the wrong place and I encourage you to continue reaching out for support as you are not alone. I would suggest counseling or intervention type setting to minimize 1 on 1 confrontation and support🙏

1 Like
#5

I live in a very small town and resources leave a lot to be desired. But it is definitely something that i am going to look into again. I used to go to one on one therapy. I just have to get back on it. It was just such a hassle with my disability and my negative thinking. I made myself believe it was a burden on others since I can no longer get around on my own.
I will say, when I did go to therapy and confided or just vented about little irritations from one of my in home care givers, the counselor reported her to authorities and they came to my house over very little complaints.
I fear that if I talk to a therapist about what is happening in my home with my son being one of my car givers, that it will happen again but only so much worse.
I fell stuck. D@#$ if I do and d@#$if I don't.

1 Like
#6

What i meant by "not in active recovery" is just that I am not going to meetings or participating in any programs. Yes, by the grace of God I do not use anymore. I am grateful for that. However, I give him all the credit. There have been days that I probably would have fallen off if I weren't disabled and was still mobile. That is just me being honest and transparent. I have had some pretty low moments where I have felt so alone and my negative self talk can be pretty self sabotaging.

1 Like
#7

Thank you for listening

1 Like
#8

Prayers for you Joni🙏.

1 Like
#9

Welcome Joni! You are in the right place. Since you asked for help, I hope you don’t mind a few suggestions. There are zoom meetings 24/7/365. I suggest you get back into your recovery. You’re doing great with abstinence part, but it sounds like you could use the help of a recovery program. You may also want to try some Al Anon zoom meetings to help with your son. You deserve a little peace

3 Likes
#10

sounds like alanon might be helpful. for both of you. he probably wants no part of it. denial. so much help/resources in the palm of your hand/phone. zoom mtgs, AA NA ACOA CA etc it's good that you recognize something needs to be done. cuz sooner or later, you know where it leads...jails, institutions, or death. we know better. I had 10.5 yrs, got away from recovery, sponsor, steps. God, service. etc... and we know what happened. I picked up. only a few beers. but back to opioids/heroin by end of the month. been back near 9 yrs now. bottom line... stay connected to the program, fellowship, God, sponsor,etc

3 Likes
#11

Maybe you can find a friend to come in to help you so you don't have to put up with the daily abuse. Or some other people like a nurse or CNA. I'd tell the one who puts all the blame on you that, " When you you blame, you give up your power to change." That's all I have to offer.

2 Likes
#12

Totally agree :+1:

1 Like
#13

Prayers Joni​:pray::heart:

1 Like
#14

Just keep things simple.Dont go in your head. Be prepared for anything and take your meds .

1 Like