I came really close to drinking tonight. Honestly, if I didn’t have to work in five hours, I might have said screw it. I’m so tired. I get no break from my trauma. I’m always in fight or flight mode. I can’t turn it off. Everywhere I turn, another one of my traumas is triggered. I feel crazy. Crazy and broken. I wish I could trust the system enough to voluntarily hospitalize myself. But that trust is long gone. I’m so hurt. Everything hurts. I can’t fall asleep without having nightmares. So now I’m afraid to sleep. I just don’t know how much more I can take.
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Please go find a good trauma therapist. It made all the difference in the world for me in my Recovery Journey. Often your State Health Department's will have really good therapists that practice EMDR or IFS ....Which are great modalities for trauma. Prayers Rachel:heartpulse:
I second that, find a trauma therapist. I started a book recently called “The Trauma Treatment Toolbox: 165 tips and tricks.” It goes into explanation of how trauma affects various parts of your brain, why your sympathetic nervous system fires even when you aren’t in direct danger, and why your brain thinks you are. It’s fascinating. Highly recommended. Try to get some sleep meds, too, whether prescribed or herbal, just not the stuff that has alcohol, obviously. Been there, done that, still working through it. Sending hugs, friend. 
Edit: Don’t think of it as coming close to drinking. It’s the result that matters. I read that as “I did not drink tonight.”
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You didn’t drink. Main thing you didn’t 
. My recovery team, coach, counselor and AA meetings stopped me last Saturday from drinking after a real bad argument. I felt that if the past was going to continually be thrown in my face even after he sober 18 months “why not drink” but I stopped and thought about what will happen and DID NOT STOP TO DRINK. Was it easy no. I went to my early recovery meeting and cried like a baby. Got past that and so far back on track. I don’t have a lot of family support so I count on outside help. Stay strong. Reach out. We need each other to do this thing called Sobriety.