I can accept that I have the disease but I’m mad that I do. Its so stupid to me that I can’t do it on my own like others can. It keeps making me want to give up and try it on my own. Knowing it will be the same result. On my good days I’m all for recovery but on my bad days I just want to say f it all and take the easy way out. Might also be because I started my 4th step. Any advice?
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If you're mad, you're not accepting. You're just resigned to the fact. And resignation is a resentment masked as acceptance.
When you fully concede, it'll get easier. Looking at your 4th step list and that mountain of evidence may make this easier.
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There came a point in my sobriety when it looked so silly that I was envious of people that could still put poison in their body. So silly. Nothing and I mean nothing good comes from the poison. I realize that now.
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Maybe the 1,001st time I’ll be able to control it? I’ve played that game. And sometimes 1,001 and 1,002 work out - then 1,003 hits and bam I did it again . Powerful, baffling, cunning…
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This so true!!
Trust the process. Push through and continue the steps! They will give a a new freedom escape from the bondage of self
It's kinda like someone with diabetes wishing they could get rid of their illness on their own. Maybe they could with diet and exercise. But really bad diabetes has to be treated. You are like the rest of us on this app. Our disease is too bad for us to do it on our own. Prayers sent for acceptance and understanding 
For me, the best thing to do with anger is to take a zen kind of approach to it. Don’t try to push it away, just take a step back and observe it. It’s ok that you’re angry, but it doesn’t have to take you over.
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Maybe you are extremely intelligent?
Good for survival, but when we are alcoholic with a spiritual malady and a physical allergy, the cravings & insanity come back with a vengeance. Then we beat ourselves into the grave of repeated relapse. Been there, done that, survived, and thrived!
Go deeper into Step 1-3. This is a simple example of work, but a Big Book Reboot Class will bring the steps alive & it will all make sense.
Step 1)
Dr opinion
Read & underline what you like and find important
Highlight reference to allergy
Highlight reference to phenomena of craving
Pg xxix underline psychic change
——
There is a Solution
Read and Underline:
Find 4 facts p17-25
Highlight Space travel p25
Highlight Religion p28
Highlight Stories p29
—
More About Alcoholism
Underline & count Control/regulate
Underline and count hopeless
Highlight How to test is you are alcoholic. 2nd page
Jim Story - Underline and count every time : I ME MY written
Highlight every time Insanity written p37-38 count
Fred same as Jim I ME MY count
————————
We agnostics (step 2)
-Highlight all God ie all capitalized letter word in the middle of sentences
-Highlight prejudice mentions
-Highlight all Believe mentions
-Highlight all reason/ Reason
——————-
58-63 (3rd step)
Count How many God mentions?
Highlight honesty mentions.
Highlight all Selfish words one color
Highlight all God words another color
PM me if you want the Zoom for the 5 week Zoom - Big Book Reboot.
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#Truth
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You can have doubts and still make progress. Life gets better for me if I continue to work steps.
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I finally accepted it and am actually grateful for it. I don't want or need to drink or get high anymore. Plus it lead me to better myself. Most "normies" go through life with all the f'ed up personality traits and character defects that they never realize and never change but we are blessed to have our disease force us to change for the better! It's a lot of work but not half as hard as it was to get dope sometimes in my opinion, and ALOT safer 