I did not know the weight until I felt the freedom.
I could have handled these past five months very differently. I was confronted with every reason/occasion/excuse under the sun to drink since the day I quit. Some celebratory - multiple summer holidays, birthdays (including my own), countless concerts & events, traveling, festivals, pool days, random social gatherings. Others rooted in suffering - crippling depression, loss, panic attacks, shame, guilt, stress.
I've had to challenge the lie that I lived and that held the bottle to my lips for so many years - "I am capable of moderation. THIS TIME WILL BE DIFFERENT." - every day and, so far I've won. Every day. And I will continue to, every day.
I'll say this much now, and speak only for myself; There is more power in bowing to abstinence. Moderation is a slippery slope to excess, and excess is a resistance to the self. There is no sanctuary in intoxication. Alcohol provides no true relief from life's grim realities. The longer I live by this, the less it feels like it's some radical departure from the norm in an alcohol-obsessed culture.
So many different, ineffectual conversations with so many versions myself had to hit dead ends before the right version and the right conversation's trajectories finally crossed. That collision was the one that would save my life. Not to get too dark here, but I was at the point where my perception of reality was breaking down and I would have taken my own life had I allowed myself one more night of binge drinking.
Although turbulent at first, I was shown just how deep love runs when I was met with forgiveness and support at a point so terrifyingly low that I struggled to believe I deserved anything. It became clear that what fell away from me during this time was weak and superficial, but was replaced with something great that I was mostly oblivious I'd even lost - myself.
.