I feel like I don’t fit anywhere, when I was young I was never able to connect with other children. Enter alcohol and drugs. I fit. Well I thought I did. Then I hit bottom and then I hit another only to see that I am unable to continue living like I did. But unable to do something new now I’m eating.. sometimes shopping I feel like I’m experiencing emotional binges and purges. I don’t know how to live. I am telling myself I’m trying I do service, go to meetings and I’m sober from D&A for over 1.5 years nicotine since January… but I don’t know what to do. I really just want to die but I don’t even think I can do that so then I lay down I stuff and eat. I burn through people I do not know how to let anyone close to me if a boundary is crossed I lash out and hurt. Idk what to do all I know is this keep coming going to meetings it is getting unbearable being so alone. And I don’t even know what is actually real I’m resisting calling I’m playing a victims I’m hyper critical. FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!
Have you found a higher power yet? Someone or something more powerful than you? Maybe try praying in other words. Got to let people in eventually. Can’t do this alone. Have you tried actually working the program? As in, a sponsor, steps, etc.
I have a higher power but I have alot of resentment towards it. Also I don’t understand it. I just know. I also have a ton of denial and hardly know what is fully real I stood by being an atheist for most of my life and then realized that my actions/behavior of asking for help and reaching out fir help to well ….. I want to say I didn’t know what I was doing.. but I am understanding it now more closely to prayer. I still do it but now I feel afraid knowing it is there. I said for a long time if it was there I had to see it and now I’ve seen it and realized it was there the whole time. I resent that I feel I cannot live another way. Well that’s not true I’m doing it now but it feels easier to hold on to emotionally harmful/numbing behavior. My biggest struggle is emotional sobriety and food. I journal and have been doing some checking in I’m afraid that idk!!! I think I’m really idk.. I feel like if there was a higher power who loved me It would have let me die or someone kill me. I’m using the telephone as best I can right now but I am not in a healthy mind. The part in the AA I believe preamble that states they are such unfortunate that are in capable of being honest they seem to have been born that way. Is some thing I have really grappled with and wondered if I am one of them the only thing that has show me differently is the fact that I am still here showing up for my recovery even if I don’t think it looks like it
Have you tried NA? Sounds more up your alley.
Yes I am not actively participating but it has been on my list. Currently I am working the steps with ACA go to ACA & AA meetings as well as service in both.
But I have been it was the first tsr room I walked into
I’m going to say this plain and simple not going to sugar coat it! Cause I know that what you expecting. One fuck the fear anxiety the depression and it’s awesome to be alone and no one bother you! The only person you have to fear is your self.Atheist that’s not a good thing! The biggest lie ever told to the world is that God or devil dont exist! You believe it you didn’t you feel no fear or emotion you be care free and soulless. Get out of your hole get out of the darkness walk into to light.We are where given free will. We where born in the best country in the world.In other parts of the world people do not have the privileges we have here the time to feel sorry for them selves. Every day it’s survival. We get one chance at this called life. Be happy do something take a risk you have nothing not one thing to lose. And if you fail at least you learned something and try something else again.
You are loved 
I’m 100% there. My service commitments are changing my life. Working the program is work in a way that is so rewarding. I really do just need to continue doing my best each day. It can be hard when I’m looking back and fantasizeing about the future. But I am grateful today I have my sobriety and the boundary of me not using alcohol or drugs gets stronger with each step. I still want to go to “fun” places and do “fun” things but it all looks way different once I walk in and I see it through different eyes. That’s when I want to run and say I’m all alone and don’t fit anywhere.
“G O D”
Hasn’t shown itself to me and I’m in the 7th stretch of life. I wouldn’t worry about non belief. I’m also an introvert but always wished I was more social but have accepted reality. As they say “reality is for people that can’t handle drugs”. Good luck Mk