I feel that I am the worst kind of alcoholic. Successful, living a life that others would wish to live. Outwardly, I have lost nothing. People would look at me and think if he can drink and have such a charmed life then I can do it too. Such the lie. How good had I become at hiding the truth. I am now facing that head on and rebuilding the relationships around me with those that helped me hide the truth. I know that they did this with a good heart but cost them as well. I hope I again can become the husband and father that they deserve and never have to hide my truths again. And it’s a beautiful day to remind myself of these truths, the real me… an alcoholic.
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Wow, Mark that is serious business. You saw your disease and you made the choice to get in recovery. That is just amazing. Keep on keeping on and reach out if you need a friend
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I’m still very early in this new normal. But I am trying to spend my mornings with a cup of coffee and remembering why I’m not going to drink today. Thank you for the support.
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I understand what you’re saying Mark. I lived a double life for years. I fooled a lot people, but eventually the sick Lee kept creeping into my life until I couldn’t fool my family anymore. That all ended 11 months ago this Thursday the 23rd. I’ve been working my recovery hard thru AA, therapy, podcasts, books, Loosid etc. The wreckage is still part of my life. My wife is still battling with trying to forgive me for the things I’ve I done, and herself for allowing herself to get so hurt. It’s a battle for me to forgive myself for causing so much pain to her and the kids. My recovery program gives me the strength to face it and process it. I can say today that is working.I don’t know how this will turn out, but I’m doing my part. The rest is up to them to hopefully process, and the powers that be will handle the rest. The best advice I can give is to keep walking thru the fire. Stay sober my friend 
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I feel exactly the same. Lived the successful attorney life on the outside but was slowly killing myself at home when no one was looking. Very easy to do when you live alone & don’t have family.
I just drank again on Friday after 6 months sober. But I’m not giving up. Keep coming back. Oy.
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It eventually catches up with us one way or another. I'm glad you decided to quit living the lie. I did it for years. Best of luck on your journey
The worst alcohol is not one who has what others want. It is one who gave up, or has their sobriety and does not help others. Do not blame yourself for having some blessings
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Ironic, I gained it all as a drunkard might just loose most of it sober, or will I, am I, the existential journey of life. Fu(k it, gonna ….
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You should be proud of yourself Mark. I hope you’re working a program too bc that is the only way I was able to get sober for my myself and my family. You will have a more beautiful life than ever imagined if you stay on the road of recovery. It’s not always easy, but the respect and love I get from my children, makes it so worth it!!!! God bless you!!!
I'm thankful for this post. I was introduced to AA 15 years ago and was able to stop drinking for some years and build a successful life and career which continued for 12 years even after I started drinking again. I was "functional" by "societies" viewpoint and it was difficult to come back to the program or convince myself that I was broken. I didn't have an immediate "bottom" .. it was gradual and took many years.
I hit a spiritual bottom and one of isolation and thankfully had the courage to be honest with myself. In fact I'm still working through that.
Sometimes in the rooms I feel out of place because I don't have a horrific story to share or numerous things I've lost. I can soooo relate to you feeling like the worst kind of alcoholic.
However, I now realize that I was and am so broken for so long that delusion was reality. I'm just grateful to be able to honestly look at myself and work everyday to be a better version of my self-absorbed shell of a man I had become.
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It is so amazing to read what everyone on here has to say. So fascinating how so many people from different backgrounds can come together and support each other.
Mark I appreciate and can relate entirely. The worse type of alcoholic is one who recognizes that they have a “spiritual sickness”, one that drinks in isolation and most of all, one who is terrified to let go of the only “solution” that provides immediate relief. Maybe the worse type of alcoholic doesn’t have the faith and the fortitude to walk away for good.
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I get it, I felt the same way…but every time you go back things get worse, you start to lose things here and there, some you can’t get back..so take it as a blessing and run with this gift, use it to your advantage and stay sober
I was a closet alcoholic for 30 years. I thought I was anyways. It is the worst. Drinking alone and sneaking. Pitiful. I have no fond memories of drinking. None. So I totally get it. I am trying to recover, but living that lie is just awful. All the steps are easy for me. Except step one. I don’t think I know how to be completely honest. I don’t really know how to to do this. Just taking it one day at a time. It will fall apart. So glad you got this before it happens. Reach out. Something I am terrible with. Thank you for sharing. Wish I caught it when you did. You are blessed and a miracle.
How long have you been sober.