I gave up on hard liquor 2 years after years of being sexually abused by men too many times.
I enjoy going to gay bars/clubs because the it was a good place to meet people of all genders. Also the drinks were rather cheap and older men would buy me drinks. I usually would go out by myself because my friends were all straight were as I am bisexual. There have been times where a group of guys would get me drunk then invite me over for an after “party” not knowing they had other intentions. Mornings after I’d wake up not knowing what happened the night before but I could feel the use they got out of me for their pleasure.
Some days I really hate myself, other days I accept that I have gave consent that I wanted it. Now that I’m sober, I’ve been having flashbacks and nightmares or some of the sexual abuse I got myself into. I’ve been talking with my therapist and I break down crying every time. Saying stuff like: “I gave my consent” “I knew it could’ve gotten out of hand, but I agreed too go with them” “I felt like I owed them for buying me drinks all night”
I’m scared if I get hurt I might relapse to ease the pain.
I’ve been scared to go to my hometown and have someone recognize me.
I’m scared of the Stockholm syndrome that has been formed in me.
I’m scared to be in a relationship or have a sexual bond with someone.
I’m sorry if this is too much. This is my first time in treatment and it’s been on my mind nonstop. I’m working through it, but some day are definitely better than others.