I had always been an alcoholic. Then my wife of 20 yrs passed away March 26 2020. Then I got worse. I decided to quit drinking Nov 6 2021. Now I feel guilty for not quitting before she passed. I feel like we could have been so much more. I can’t tell if I’m happy or sad. I’m grateful for my family but I feel I can’t tell them what I’m feeling because I know they are confused too. I have been able to sleep since I quit drinking but haven’t been able to sleep the last couple of nights. I miss her so much.
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Big hugs to you my friend!! The holidays are rough in early sobriety without loss !!! We’re here for you my friend!!!
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That’s so hard Terry. Try to stay present in today. Love for her in this time. No changing the past. No telling the future. Honor her with everything you’ve got, which is the moment you’re in.
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Not sure how spiritual or what your religious beliefs are but I’m sure someone you loved and shared so much time with would want you to be healthy and well. We can’t change the past obviously but you can make it up to yourself and her spirit now. Grief sucks, my boyfriend died September 2021 due to alcoholism. I’m choosing to be sober for both of us.
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Terry I’m so sorry to hear. I congratulate you on your sobriety.
You should have no shame or guilt as addiction is a disease.
The important thing is that you are here now.
We hold a zoom group every Wednesday to talk about our challenges and what we can do to help one another. You are welcome to join. I will send you a friend request now and if interested I will send you the link.
Link is also in my previous post
Have a wonderful day and if you need anything please reach out. 
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Terry - death of a loved one is never easy. Try to focus on the good times and hopefully sleep will come your way.