I had to be taken to the ER on Friday night as I was drinking and knew I would attempt to overdose if I went back into the house (I was outside sitting on the deck). It’s one of the first times I’ve reached out for help when feeling suicidal instead of acting on it, which I know should feel encouraging. I am ashamed and feel guilty for worrying my family. I’ve just felt hopeless for so long because of 20 years of chronic suicidal ideation/bipolar disorder (I’m 34) and my more recent struggle with alcohol abuse. I’m in outpatient treatment for addiction recovery, but I feel like I’m doing something wrong because I keep relapsing even with the support. I’m grateful to have found this community. I don’t want to feel so alone anymore. I’m sorry this is such a long post.
Many relapse just keep trying se BB page xx for info on top paragraph that is not a loss the painful experience will help someone later down the path
Hey Amy. I can relate to the guilt and shame. Try and remember this is an illness. You are not bad. You are sick. Unfortunately, our symptoms do hurt us as well as the ones closest to us. Relapsing is very common with this illness. In fact, that is one major clue that we know we are alcoholic. We need to treat our mind, body, and souls simultaneously. I have seen many people recover that have similar issues as you. There is hope. You are not alone. It’s amazing that you are now reaching out. This is a huge step in the right direction. It shows you are learning and becoming more aware! You can do this! I’m sure others will follow your post and reply with some good suggestions. Many of us will also include you in our prayers 
Have you tried inpatient? Rehab?
To be honest, for me, outpatient was not very helpful (especially outpatient group). A lot of the counselors in outpatient were not in recovery so didn’t have a clue. Inpatient was very different for me. The counselors were all recovering addicts. 28 day residential was gold for me. Then of course AA saved my life. When I got sober and started working a program, all of my SI fell away. My depression and anxiety went away.
Praying for you Amy!
Thanks so much for the advice, Shawn. It’s nice to know that just because this program isn’t working for me doesn’t mean there isn’t one that will. I’m so happy that your SI has gone away. That’s so wonderful
Thank you so much. Your post gave me a warm feeling
I’ve tried both. My most recent stint was 8 weeks in July. They were extremely helpful while there, and I was in a good place for a little while after discharge. I just always eventually slip down into the same place of hopelessness. I try to hold on to memories of the good periods, remind myself that hope is possible.
Praying for you Amy 
Hi Amy, I can relate. I also have struggled with bipolar disorder and suicide ideation for much of my life. The alcohol abuse went hand in hand with my mental health problems. Keep trying, there is a program out there that will help you. There are so many options nowadays (AA, SMART Recovery, Recovery Dharma, The Luckiest Club, Women for Sobriety, to name a few). What I found was that when I got my drinking under control and out of the way, my mental health sh*t was a lot easier to handle. Working with a psychologist and a psychiatrist regularly helped get me on track and not feel like I was on a rollercoaster. You can do this Amy. And know that you are worth it!
Thank you so much, Jenn. Your words mean a lot, and it gives me hope that there may be light at the end of the tunnel. I’m so proud of you for how hard you’ve worked and continue to work. Thank you again!
So great to hear from you Amy! You’re in the right place and no need to apologize. Keep posting and let us know how you’re doing!! 
Thanks so much, Jud! I’m so grateful for all of you.
Sounds like you are in a much better place today🙏. Stay plugged in on a daily basis Amy. These feelings don’t just magically go away. We all need to be diligent each and every day to keep the demons away and remain grateful. None of us are cured. We are all just a few bad decisions away from the darkness. We are so fortunate to be aware, and have a choice today
Amy, it takes incredible courage to face yourself and reach out for help. Be proud, I know we all are for you! Hugs!
Thank you so much. Your encouragement is always so powerful for me. Yes, today is a better day. I’m going to bask in it but also remember this is a day by day process. This group has been so helpful in such a short amount of time. I’ll keep checking in, and I hope you do the same. Thank you again. I’m so grateful.
Thank you! I never share, so I can’t believe I shared this much on such a public platform. But I’m so glad I did - the support has been overwhelming in the best way. Hugs right back!
I'm sorry your going through a rough time reaching out is good for you and hard I had to learn to reach out just try and go one day at a time try and stay busy lots of people care about you
You are worth it. You matter. Hang in there