I have a boomerang son who's 25 and has severe depression and anxiety. I help find him a apt and for whatever reason he is asked to leave. I've done the tuff love thing at 19yrs old and kicked him out. He's not trouble per say but really mopy and has the poor me attitude. He's also learning disabled so I do everything for him. Keep insurance update help him find his jobs, Apts what have you. I feel like I will never have peace with him. I'm gonna be caring for this guy till the day one of us dies, oh yeah he's also threaten suicide for the last decade. If I ever relapse it will be solely because of him! How do I better myself with this dark cloud always looming over me? I wish I could be proud of him. I wish he had his life together. Am I enabling? I'm just sadder then I was yesterday. Parenting doesn't end at 18 sometimes it's a lifelong sentence. Which I knew that at 19 lol. Anyone else in my boat?
If you relapse it be because you choose too. Yes I feel there are at least parts that you are enabling. Any time your doing stuff and not helping to do stuff that’s enabling. If he tries and then needs help, that’s helping. Learned helplessness often causes deep depression
Can he get on disabilty?
I would say yes there is enabling.
The more one goes without navigating more life stressors and responsibilities as they get older it's harder and harder to navigate life as an independent person. One has to start somewhere to where life stressors dont hold one back. It's like still being a child as an adult. The sooner one starts to learn to navigate normal life the sooner they it becomes second nature to them and it's not so stressf.
Family counseling?
This is tough. I’ve got a 23 yo back home. Some similarities to your situation and some different. Regardless, the feelings are the same and it’s a daily challenge to do what’s best for both myself and my kid. I see a good therapist. Between that and working a decent AA program, I’m doing better, but it’s a daily grind. I suggest getting some professional help for yourself. I also pay for my kid to get help too. If you can swing this, give it a shot
That is a heavy load to bare. Sorry you are going through that
Thank you for your thoughts. We tried disability 3x he got denied. Even after 3 trips to the mental health complex he got a psychiatrist. Will get on a medication feel better then stop. He has continued to take medication to sleep and depression. He got cut off his colazapam but never liked him on anything addictive. I know I enable him. We've done everything with therapy since he was 10. I don't want him to get a eviction on his record then he's really stuck with me. I'm all he has.. I worry about what will happen to him when I die. I have anxiety and idk how to deal with it if I'm being honest I over think EVERYTHING. I've tried Lexapro but made me so sick. Wow I'm all over in my response but ty for letting me vent lol
Dang thats deep learned helplessness causes depression. And I agree relapsing is my choice. And I feel good I won't.
He doesn't even know I quit drinking because we're just that outta touch. But the rule was always for him not to drink in my place.
Thank you for your support. I'm not saying no to therapy I just cant seem to make myself go. As for my son hes done every type of therapy there is.
I undertsand!
I definitely think counseling for yourself and counseling together is a good idea.
I'd be worried too. So there has to be a way a game plan can be put in place to achieve some goals on independence. I'm sure a counselor could guide you both on this. Because him not having help like cold turkey is sure to backfire. I could be wrong.
Try online counseling. You dont have to go but just log on.
I will definitely look into the online thing. Because so far my therapy is here and I'm too in my head for that lol..I also work a lot. Single parent. I also lost my fiance to leukemia in 2020 and my brother to covid in 2021 so I'm sure talking to someone will help. On top of quitting drinking lol
I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I also understand. I'm also a single mom. Ex went to prison in September. I'm all my son has also. He is also only 3. It's a very very painful road. And dealing with a huge aftermath of what my ex did. Not only that the trauma of our abusive relationship. I've never stood on my own financially. It's a total s-show. I only have myself to really lean on. Therapy helps but for my financial situation no therapy fixes that. I fear ending up in a shelter daily.
You seem very strong and our kids sure drive us to do better. Some people think it's silly but I did a vision board. It's my second one. My first one I checked off every single thing on it. House! Car! Job I love and then more.. I never thought it was possible. It took me about 7-8 yrs but I believe manifestation is real and I encourage you to try it. Cant hurtđź’—
Youre also strong! I love that. I was kind of working on one. But then problems got overwhelming and it turned into what current problems needed resolved. And that was getting ridiculous. I definitely need to put one in motion again! Make sure I have one not filled of problems lol
My oldest went through something similar. Finally had enough and cut off completely. It was painful. But low and behold they went from homeless to having an apartment and a job. It took a few years, but it happened.
I think my “help” was keeping them from learning and experiencing life on life’s terms.
I’m not saying that this is your path. Just my experience.
No matter what, drinking will not help no matter what the situation.
I was also told that by “helping” I was denying them the dignity of their own failure.
Ty for your response. I did kick him out in 2018 and didnt talk to him for 4 months. He's moved back with me 3x since then.
Outta sight outta mind is a real thing for me.
I just don't know how to not help him.
I had a friend tell me don't make him feel like he has nowhere to go idk why that stuck with me.