I have a migraine. The world has felt super stressful. Ive felt angry, confused, and dissappinted by life. I am unbelievably still clean and sober. Even through processing much grief, hopelessness, and pain.. I'm still here. I want to believe in God, but there is trauma there and I have no idea what he's doing with my life for years now. Felt very stuck and isolated. Not much has moved forward or came easily. Not sure how to do a step program when it's all based on spirituality. Not sure why spirituality makes me so sad these days. Probably because all the deaths and breakdowns the last few years. Honesty is important and the honest me just wants to scream and cry and punch walls, but instead I keep relying on a caring God to help me, when really its just me and other people on apps helping me and I'm barely hanging in there day to day. I keep waking up and trying to be positive despite. Maybe out of spite.. I have to keep going for my family. Otherwise, I'd have given up by now and surrendered EVERYTHING. I wish I could escape, but I can't. Escaping pain is what got me into all this mess. So now I suffer in silence imploding within myself. I'm so used to the pain that the suffering just feels a part of me now. They say it gets easier, and I really hope it does.. but years of survival and stress I fear may have gotten the best of me. And I still have a migrane. Not sure if anyone will read this as it's my very first post.. but if you do, send a prayer this way. Since God doesn't seem to hear my prayers, maybe he will hear yours. Thanks.
You are not alone in most all of these thoughts and feelings. I don't generally speak for anyone else, but I'm pretty sure most of us have at one point or another had these thoughts and feelings. This journey is not an easy one. It definitely has it's ups and downs. For me, I had to find faith in something besides myself, my will and thinking was what got me here in the first place so, letting it go and being willing to trust in the process, working the steps with a sponsor, going to meetings, reading the AA literature and yes, praying...eventually with an open mind, I began to see that spirituality is very different from organized religion and found a beautiful peace in that. Over time it made it so much easier to except the program that way and almost 18 months sober while still dealing with life and it's issues I rely on my faith in a power greater than me often to get through the difficulties of the day and maintain my peace. I wish you peace and will include you in my prayers. Hang in there, it's worth it.