I have been sober my entire life , in and out of several bands and had still managed to stay sober , I had met a girl 15 yrs ago that was only drinking a little but her mom is a functional alcoholic and she has other family members with addiction and or alcoholism , our relationship started off great and we were close , her mom had moved out of state so my girlfriend was drinking casually and wouldn’t get drunk . A few years ago she had moved back and wants her daughter to stop over every day and have a few beers with her and she does , now drinking more and more it seems her tolerance had built up and now her 17 yr old daughter had started drinking as well and to make a long story short , everyone including my girlfriend who had just ended our relationship out of Guilt that her addiction has won over me , feels that this is what she needs to do as well because her mom , daughter and the daughters boyfriend all drink heavily . Sadly I had thought that with being the rock for her it would keep her sober and we could enjoy things sober , no matter the event , but that to Her is too much resistance and she had severed a 15 yr relationship for alcohol. Because I’m apparently boring. I’m just wondering if I’m the only one in this position who had cared this much for someone and has had their heart ripped out and handed to them and deemed unimportant as your once partner is going everywhere she can go to get hammered. I’m at a loss . Is there a group that can help someone in my position . It seems you can’t even find a date that doesn’t want drinks. No offense against any person in recovery. I pray for your sobriety and your journey your on , I just don’t know of anyone that is or has gone through this from my side as I have nobody to talk to about it.
Hi, Pete. I have not been in shoes. I'm sorry I can't give person experience.
Do you think she would consider couples counseling? Or is this the end for sure?
You'll need to give yourself time to heal. Breakups are hard- especially when 2 have been together so long.
You are important. There's someone out there for you.
Hi Pete, there are Al-Anon meetings out there for the spouses/significant others of alcoholics and addicts. It sounds like she is like many of us that severe good relationships for the drink or drug. Unfortunately you can't love enough to get someone sober, they have to do that on there own. Its absolutely a tough situation and I wish u all the best.
The sentiment of cant change the unwilling is very accurate. I am reminded of a friend who was dating a vegan. When she was around he was vegan, but everyday he would go to burger king for a double whopper. He didn't want to change but he wanted to keep her. Sobriety is the same way. Some will hide the addiction in an attempt to get everything at once. I hope you find a way to help her.
Thank you for the responses , I hope my post didn’t make anyone lose hope in staying sober , it seems with our world being so stressful today , people feeling depressed, doctors pushing pain meds , every event pushes alcohol , breweries seem to be popping up everywhere as if the new fun for the whole family is drinking , Covid has caused a lot of people to isolate and drink or dive into a drug , I feel like some kind of rare animal and isolated as oh no let’s not plan to take him with ‘ he doesn’t drink and will be counting our drinks. Leave him home . I was told it was abnormal not to be under the influence of something . Honestly even with all the medical problems I have I’m just happy to be under the influence of living , the influence of love with a person who will share that experience, I have always been able to enjoy every event I’ve ever gone to completely sober . I wish to encourage more people that there are us people out there who can enjoy everything they do completely sober.
Hey Pete, thank you for coming on here and getting super honest & vulnerable. I was on the other side of a few relationships like this- nothing near as long maybe a few months, would deem my partner “boring” bc he wasn’t a hard user like me or wouldn’t IV use drugs & i had compulsive behaviors that made me Obsessed with “danger” etc which I learned through lots of therapy was just self destruction bc I didn’t think I deserved to be in a functioning relationship- perhaps she feels the same. im so sorry for what you’re going through but you cannot make someone else stop drinking/ using no matter how hard you try- I tried it with my mother my entire life and that didn’t work out as she ended up passing away. I pray for your ex partner and hope she finds her way, as for you hope you don’t take it personally as you sound like a wonderful partner who was willing to be there for someone despite their faults. It is Very Difficult to find sober partners- especially those who are sober and NOT in recovery, I’m lucky my partner never drinks and ISNT in recovery but he was 1 out of a million people I went on dates with since getting sober. They are out there though. Thanks for sharing your perspective and stay strong. Also al-anon is definitely an option, even just reading the al-anon book could be helpful to understand it’s not your fault & had nothing to do with you. 
Pete, I completely admire your enjoyment of life sober, and I hope I can get there one day. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, I know that losing a long term love is painful. This community is here for you.