I honestly can’t tell if I’ve relapsed or not. I just say this because it just feels like more like a personality trait. It just feels more like me being me. Long story short for the past 2 weeks I’ve been abusing certain substances. I initially took it for the pain as well for sleep. Then I would say three days after that I just had to take it cause it was making me feel in check. I felt more balanced. I felt more like myself. It would disconnect my body from my mind. I felt a piece of mind. I guess I’m just trying to figure out if this is a relapse or not. This is not anything new I’ve done this so many other times where it was a lot more dangerous because alcohol was involved as well. I tried to ask my partner to help me with giving me that feeling by doing something to me and he said no. I understand that he said no, but I completely flipped out. If I wasn’t gonna have the substance, I was gonna have to get it some other way and even if that meant I would get hurt. It’s been about four or five days now without it and I feel like I’ve been losing my mind. In the past, I would get so sick and would be so bedridden to even acted out. This time around because there’s no alcohol it’s not as bad thankfully but I would say it’s worse because it’s manifesting in a way that is really on edge and ready to snap at any moment. It may seem weird, but the thing is using keeps me from doing anything worse, which ultimately would be doing something a lot more permanent with intention. I absolutely do not want to do this. I also absolutely do not want to go to the hospital.
Thanks for sharing, Rachel.
What you’re describing, using something to feel balanced, needing it to function, and feeling disconnected when it’s gone, that does sound like a relapse, even if it didn’t feel like one at first. But more than that, it sounds like you’re hurting, and trying to manage that pain the only way you know how right now.
A lot of us have been there, caught in the cycle of needing something just to feel “okay.” It means you’re overwhelmed and just trying to survive.
If you’re open to it, DM me. I can help you find local services in your area. No pressure. Just options if and when you’re ready.
Rachel, you’re definitely not alone. I needed freedom from myself and addiction, which to me, is my ego/addict mind and the physical body that was chemically miserable.
The only solution for me was detox, then tons of meetings, step work and physical exercise.
I’m here if you want to talk. Seriously.
Please call your doctor. Yes you relapsed and you need help before you do something you can’t come back from. Destroy or ask your partner too. If it’s not available you can’t abuse it. You may need in patient services to address you mental health issues that are telling you that you need to abuse yourself to be happy. Be grateful your partner said “no”. You can do this.