I just changed my tracker. I'm not sober. I'm awake

Struggling Help
#1

I just changed my tracker.
I'm not sober.
I'm awake and trying to figure out what happened in the last month ish....
Why did I turn back to pills? Why am I doing this?
Why am I scared to tell anyone that I've started taking pills again? Why can I hide this so well?
Why was I able to quit booze and absolutely not want any of it, like not even a little, but even though I know I'm gonna die if I keep taking these pills, I'm damaging my organs, I can feel it. Right now, my lower back is killing (not like I pulled something, as if whatever organ(s) is there is screaming STOP)
Im laying in bed next to my partner, he's asleep, and I want to wake him and tell him: hey remember Easter dinner at my sister's? I started using pills again. I wanna stop and can't seem to. Idk how you can help and I know you're super stre5about a million things, let me just put this on your plate too.

Like what is wrong with me?
So what that things are rough, so what that other people drink and smoke pot and can feel inebriation without being addicted. You can't, Nicole.

Stop acting like you're not gonna take more pills tomorrow. You don't want to, but they are still there, in the cupboard. No one suspects them there. No one knows what you've been up to.

It's not bad this time, you've not done it at work ( it I know that's dumb, because I can't wait for the work days to be over, so I can get home) it's making me hate my job, the only job I have ever really loved. All because I want to get home and get high. Or low. Idk, anyone else would just fall asleep, but me, I push thru and feel the floating and sinking feeling. I let the sleep pass and feel that edge. And even though it doesn't last long, I love it and then hate it.

Idk why I'm here.
Am I really gonna stop tomorrow?
I'm not taking any right now. I am actually nervous body parts are shutting down.
But, I didn't care the other day.
I wanted it.
I didn't want this energy, of me, to be, at all.

I don't even know what triggered it.

I'm so all over the place.
I'm sorry.

9 Likes
#2

You’re still here to talk about. So there’s time!

#3

August will be 6 years for opietes for me.. if I had a Percocet right now id take it. I think I could handle it. But I've lived in a new place alone for 3 years. Wouldn't even know where to find one. They probably wouldn't be real anyway. But I don't look.. I just live best I can. Alone sometimes is good I guess
. I hope you get better..

2 Likes
#4

I’m an addict and I don’t need a trigger. I know if I take a pill an again I’m right back on the coaster. I understand and it took me many tries

1 Like
#5

Here for you. I just relapsed too, and turned into one of the most horrendous weeks of my life. We can do this.

2 Likes
#6

Pray about it and give it to your higher power

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#7

I'm praying for you Nicole. Have you been to treatment? Do you have a sponsor that you can meet with? You have to do something. We know recovery isn't easy but we can do it :pray:

1 Like
#8

Plg2l2
W

#9

1st don’t beat yourself up it happens. You have a disease your not responsible for the only thing your responsible for is your recovery. Ok so you made a bad choice people do that all the time thinking they can just do one after a while and point out the disease is still alive and he’s waiting for that moment. It’s not your fault that you have the disease of addiction the shame, the guilt, the hiding all characteristic patterns of an addict suffering from addiction. I would suggest calling your Sponser if you have one if not, go to a meeting. I have online meetings.
https://virtual-na.org
Give yourself a break and just start over. It works if you work it. Work it because you’re worth it!! :large_blue_diamond::heart:

4 Likes
#10

You’re an addict, thats why. The addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful! Until I surrendered and went ALL IN on my sober program, I struggled and relapsed for decades. For 17 years I’ve kept my foot on the gas pedal of sobriety! You don’t have to die or struggle any longer. It’s a choice to commit all the way or not.
I’m here if you want to talk or have any questions

3 Likes
#11

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I remember feeling the exact same way. It was misery. I swear, if I can do it finally, you can to. Try a different approach.

3 Likes
#12

I know that the typical saying is that “if you knew better, you’d do better.” My version of this, especially living my life in long term recovery…”Once you know better, you’ll grow better.” You still deserve support even when other people have other things going on :yellow_heart:

4 Likes
#13

Easy answer you are a addict/alcholic...you can stop thinking about yesterday but be here in the now right this moment. No doubt the pendulum is swinging ba j and forth in the head past to future with very little change. So you have to get to allot of meetings AA/ NA l, pill pusher Anonymous. Does not matter. But talk to all the recovering people in the rooms. Get a drug sponsor and a fellow drunk sponsor. YOU SPEAK to every professional. But go back to We Admitted we are powerless over Alcohol/pills and my life is unmangable.

3 Likes
#14

Get to tons of meetings. Do yoga if will help and get to gym as that will help with anxiety.. It is not the thought that you are addicted to a pill. More complicated but will come to a point that one will recreate circumstances that our brain will say if I do not get this booze, drug, person place or thing. Then I will die and one will relapse. Find God and.and get busy staying your best. You will come to understand but will take much time and You will feel the miracles one moment one day at a time.)

2 Likes
#15

Sorry for blabbing so long)

#16

I hope you are ok. Praying for you.

#17

I am very much ok and tske sobriety very serious and do not like to see anyone suffer.

#18

Because untreated addiction gets us back to the people we are. We have to keep a daily routine to make miracles happen just daily miracles. Lessons and blessings. Don’t call it a relapse in my opinion just a reoccurrence of symptoms of untreated addiction that will get us. But it eliminates the guilt the shame the remorse and it says hey let me get back to the real path that my higher power intended for me.

#19

While the steps to recovery are simple, recovery is NOT easy. There is not necessarily a particular external trigger. Part of our addiction is the internal physical biological craving demanding a response/to be fed. While the initial addiction began for any multitude of assigned reasons that frequently boil down to our effort to escape / run from / temporarily shut off Pain, the lasting effect of it was physical addiction. What began as treating emotional pain or a cure to improve comfort in social situations, or whatever the origin was, ultimately the treatment became my worst pain, my trap, my master. I can use any reason to treat the physical addiction - happy, sad, tired, angry, deserve to celebrate, etc. which is much easier than the pain of physical withdrawal. However, I know as long as I feed it, it will not stop, it will grow, it will follow me everywhere, it will take over my life - not unlike any wild uncontrollable animal, if I keep feeding it, the animal will grow bigger, stronger, and be increasingly more difficult to manage until it kills me or I kill it. We may have different beasts that we invited into our lives, my recovery meant forcing the beast out of my life permanently, seeing it for what it really was, how my feeding it allowed its fangs to dig deeper into to me as its jaws became stronger & I became ever weaker.
I had to change perspective to change my perception. I had to see the object of my addiction, not as something that was going to make me feel better for a few moments, but as the beast it actually was. I had to perceive my long term costs as real to come to understand & believe what I was choosing to give up by allowing a beast to control my life, to make my decisions for me.
I hope you will use every support system available to you and that you too will find the tools to slay the beast in your life.