I just changed my tracker.
I'm not sober.
I'm awake and trying to figure out what happened in the last month ish....
Why did I turn back to pills? Why am I doing this?
Why am I scared to tell anyone that I've started taking pills again? Why can I hide this so well?
Why was I able to quit booze and absolutely not want any of it, like not even a little, but even though I know I'm gonna die if I keep taking these pills, I'm damaging my organs, I can feel it. Right now, my lower back is killing (not like I pulled something, as if whatever organ(s) is there is screaming STOP)
Im laying in bed next to my partner, he's asleep, and I want to wake him and tell him: hey remember Easter dinner at my sister's? I started using pills again. I wanna stop and can't seem to. Idk how you can help and I know you're super stre5about a million things, let me just put this on your plate too.
Like what is wrong with me?
So what that things are rough, so what that other people drink and smoke pot and can feel inebriation without being addicted. You can't, Nicole.
Stop acting like you're not gonna take more pills tomorrow. You don't want to, but they are still there, in the cupboard. No one suspects them there. No one knows what you've been up to.
It's not bad this time, you've not done it at work ( it I know that's dumb, because I can't wait for the work days to be over, so I can get home) it's making me hate my job, the only job I have ever really loved. All because I want to get home and get high. Or low. Idk, anyone else would just fall asleep, but me, I push thru and feel the floating and sinking feeling. I let the sleep pass and feel that edge. And even though it doesn't last long, I love it and then hate it.
Idk why I'm here.
Am I really gonna stop tomorrow?
I'm not taking any right now. I am actually nervous body parts are shutting down.
But, I didn't care the other day.
I wanted it.
I didn't want this energy, of me, to be, at all.
I don't even know what triggered it.
I'm so all over the place.
I'm sorry.