I spent two weeks in the hospital, I got out yesterday, due to a skin infection and blood infection contracted by iv drug use. There was talk of the Infection reaching my heart, reaching bone-which would require amputation. There was talk of needing IV anabiotic’s for upwards of 2 to 3 months… but ultimately, I recovered seamlessly.
Finally discharged I headed home to my two Loving and adorable floofy, boopable cats.
What do I do not 4 hours after discharge? Start packing a dart.
The search for a good vein, the flash of red when hitting the vein then, at last-the push. Then intensity. Feels like every cell in my body is jumping, on fire and vibrating cough. Then, Dragon breath and finally the release.
Wouldn’t you know. The injection site is already swelling-probably because I gave myself another infection. (I use Sterile rigs-never not once have I ever used a point ) I properly clean the area… yet these infections hit me hard AF.
I am smart, very well educated, and socially savvy. I intellectually know the ultimate out come of engaging in this behavior and addiction. Yet, despite, KNOWING, I am unable to make a healthy choice to abstain. I know it is the result of being an alcoholic and addict. That it’s a mental illness and a disease. I know my default setting it the use and I have to actively work on choosing not to. But I am a rational, pragmatic, smart person and the notion of “putting it down” and recovery eludes me in an epic fashion.
How am I going to seek medical help-it’s humiliating to me.  asking for help from professionals, While knowing that I caused this physical affliction by way of a mental affliction. It’s humiliating to me to be so out of control of my mind, body, my thinking, my actions when it comes to this substance… I get it but it’s still baffling to me that I am unable to take the healthy action when it comes to addiction-that a mental illness can cause a disruption in The thought processes that are required in making a decision in the brain (A non-tangible abstract process..) and subsequently effecting A tangible action (an actual visible action made by my brains ability to choose what action to take!)
The brain is immensely fascinating to me. I mean this blob of goo , gray matter, fires off unseen, neurotransmitters from from untouchable neurons to other neurons or cells by way of electrical and chemical synapses. Whew! I mean how could the mind and brain not be fascinating !? But I digress.
I have tangled even my own synapses which are misfiring to all the wrongs places…
How am I still so baffled by a fact I know to be true? This disease will kill me. If not the disease, the people I meet on the way down will surly kill me. I know this. Yet…
Please, I need suggestions that don’t require treatment (financial issues and shite insurance)
Help me not feel so stupid and alone. Share
It’s time to surrender Lucy! You’ve done it before, and you can do it again. As you stated, you know the answer as to why you keep doing the very thing you know you shouldn’t do…because you’re an alcoholic/addict. That’s all. Try and stop overthinking it and go get help. As you also said, it’s your ego and your disease that is preventing you from going back to where you know you need to go. I relapsed after 20 + years. I dragged my sorry and broken as$ back to AA about 20 months ago. The journey to get back almost killed me. I’m so grateful to get past that part of my recovery journey. You need to go back too. The only way out of this misery is recovery…or institutions and death. Choose recovery🙏. Give up…surrender. It’s time you get back to living in the solution ODAAT
Jesus, you just said it perfectly. And totally called me out-I intellectualize everything and think way too much. Question, this may be in the Realm of thinking too much, but how does one surrender? Like what do I do to achieve that goal? I’m not stupid but it’s non-compute situation. Lol
We have a lot of newcomers on this site, so I don’t usually go hard on my replies. But you…you know all about this disease and exactly where this is going to take you. That sick brain of yours is on overdrive, and needs to slow down. You’re in active addiction and your disease is strong. You have to remember that this all starts in the mind, so basically you have to do the opposite of what you “think” you want to do. So, the first thing you can do is to surrender to the idea that you can figure this out. You can think all you want, but recovery is a program of action. Surrender your pride and ego and go get help. You are not a bad person. You are no different than any of us in the rooms. It doesn’t matter what your DOC is, just get your bu++ back to a meeting and pick up a white chip. It’s a symbol of surrendering. Stop thinking and start doing…let’s go. You deserve to be healthy again. Your family and loved ones are waiting for you to finally give up and get help. Be brave and go
Thank you, I appreciate you, your time and your insights. If ever I am asking for too much, dm me. Lol
It’s not too much. We recover together. It’s a blessing to be able to help. You’ll pay it forward…
I took some action. I called the facility I spent a year In back when I was 21. I spoke honestly with the woman who treated me and we discussed a game plan. I’m meeting a probable sponsor at a meeting this evening. Thank you for the encouragement.
You made my day!! You can totally do this! It just takes one good choice at a time. You already knew what you needed to do. In fact, you basically posted about it. That was you starting to take that first step. Give yourself a hug. You are on your way to getting thru this part of the journey, and on to better days ahead 
What did it say
“It” as in the facility I previously went to?
Says post was taken down
DM me
How did your meeting go last night? Did you meet with your potential sponsor? Wishing you well and hope to hear back. Namaste.