Go to rehab and try harder.
Go to meetings. Get a sponsor. Do what the book tells you to do.
I know what your talking about I did the same at first I had an alcohol and drug problem. I would go to AA netting’s cause I was to ashamed to admit I was an addict and I did not want to be around other addicts. But then I noticed that every one had the same f ing problem as I did. It would start with alcohol and alcohol would lead to drug us. They all had the same story just like me! I couldn’t just drink I had to have both! The only difference between you and a drug addict is that drinking is legal! You don’t need to do anything bad or illegal or hide it. If you chose not too.Every one is ok with a drunk as Kong as your not homeless or unemployed. It don’t work that way for addicts. I was full functional addict. No one knew not even my ex wife fir 14 years. The bad thing when you hide this or are in denial is that your life is a lie! You put up an act not face or admit. You have a problem. 3 things can happen. You can live the rest of your life lying to your self and every one else. Or get arrested for commuting crime under the influence. Or cut your life short. I just lost a friend to alcohol. 46 years young! Drank him self to the grave
Hey Kim I’m William. I have a BS in Psychology but that didn’t stop me from needing Rehab this yr! 95% etoh, 5% weed. Clean from both TODAY! U want to be Friends hit me up. William Stafford.
For me that surrender was freedom. It meant I could quit faking being ok. It meant I could stop hiding. It meant that there was a solution if I was willing to do the work 
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The firs step is the hardest.its admitting to yourself what's going on and be willing to let others help you
This time last year I knew deep down I needed to go to detox for the second time and rehab for the first time. I keep praying for something miraculous to happen. Quite the opposite happened, in April I became very very sick, went to the dr. And they sent me to the ER. I spent 52 days, mostly in ICU. At one point they gave me a 10% chance of living and said I would be lucky to be a vegetable. A miracle happened and I was transferred to a top medical hospital where I later had a transplant. Don’t wait for a miracle…. Make the decision and save your life.
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Ya go to rehab. Duh!
Good luck.
You know where you’re at. Do the right thing.
I felt the same way you described, a little over 25 years ago. I didn’t want to be one of Y’all. I finally exhausted all of my options, and hit rock bottom. Death, jail or institutions
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Get some help, we can't Beat this disease alone, I'm currently in treatment at 45 years old and I've lost count of how many relapses and Tours through treatment centers, and it's because I ALWAYS, disconnect from N.A. OR A.A or whatever.
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Sounds like you know what you need to do…it’s just taking the next step which is hard but TOTALLY worth it! Good luck on your path to recovery. If you ever need to chat, feel free to friend me.
You do have a choice.you pick.if sober life was that bad we all would be dead.these people are trying to help you.
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It's amazing how hard it is to look in the mirror and be honest with ourself. I'm in the same position as you, but different. Would rather identify as an addict or watch everyone you love and care about slowly start leaving you one by one? Would you rather identify as an addict or have your career stripped from you for a decision you made under the influence?
Would you chose pain & suffering over healing & happiness? Would you chose life over death?
I lost everything Kim. Today will be my first day of clean time I hope. The choice is so easy love. It's our ego that makes it hard! You're such a beautiful woman I see, and you're in a field that shows your compassion for others. You have it all, but love for yourself, right? Pain is the cousin to addiction like sleep is the cousin to death. Go to rehab and start to heal the hole in your soul. Hazelden Center City, MN. Get here if you can!! The recovery capital of world is St.Paul, MN.
As I say that, I realized it's time for me to follow my own advice! Maybe I'll see you there. WE'RE WORTH IT!!
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Ask yourself, what changed? What happened after rehab that made you pick up again? Do you want a different rehab or program? It is giid that you are talking to us and wanting to get better.
Only you know what you need and it’s speaks volumes if you have the capacity to be honest with yourself about it. The importance of identifying as an addict isn’t to degrade yourself! It’s to let others around you to see that they have hope to achieve sobriety through your inspiration! You’ll never know who looks up to you!
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Quit overwhelming yourself with the rest of your life. All you have is today, tomorrow will worry about itself. You obviously understand the consequences of continuing to live the way you are so it boils down to how bad do you want it and how far are you willing to go? Desperation is a gift. How far were you willing to go for that drink? You're doing the right thing by reaching out and acknowledging that you're an alcoholic/addict. Now get help through inpatient or outpatient or finding a meeting and getting a sponsor
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1986 35 years aa
Well, once you reach a point of acceptance...you'll be less defined by it.