I know deep down in my heart that I need to go to rehab again it seems but I hate identifying as a f*cking addict… when I went to rehab for alcohol I felt like an outcast and I didn’t belong… To be honest, I judged everyone and it’s so messed up because I am just like them. I can’t come to terms with the fact that this is going to be a lifelong process and I know that if I don’t finally surrender the only options are probably death or jail? I would rather not want to have any of those things happen to me but at the same time I hate being an imposter… I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t wanna die, I don’t want to go to rehab, but I also don’t want to live a double life!what do I do?
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Do you have any sober contacts or friends who know what’s going on? You can’t change what has happened in the past, only the choices you make going forward. There are many people who can help you in the immediate future that will help you find help in the mid-to-long term future too.
Addicts don’t have to be perfect, but it helps to have the courage and strength to want to be better.
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Hi Kim, it sounds like you need to come to terms with the fact that you have an issue with whatever your drug of choice is and that you need to do something different. You do not need to identify as an addict if that is not what is comfortable. There are programs where that isn’t a requirement. But it sounds like you definitely need to change something, I remember that reluctance and hesitancy, it just prolonged the process.
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Live 24 hours at a time. Step away from the past and live in the now. Try not to compare and rather instead, simply identify when able. You got this
I just got back from rehab and it’s what I needed to do to start this journey back over. I had 6 yrs sober and relapsed, and have been back out for 7 yrs. I needed to be in a confinement to help me get started again. I couldn’t do it on my own.
Everyone’s recovery is different - there are so many reasons for this but for starters 1) the drug of choice 2) drink of choice and daily amount 3) physical health 4) mental health 5) environment 6) genetics 7) the list goes on and on and on
So what works for one person might not work for another, but I can personally say I didn’t go to rehab and regret doing it alone - it was dangerous and I don’t recommend it, but I had been using a hard drug for months & was covered in sores and drowning in shame and guilt and that kept me from reaching out for help, but I wish I would’ve and consider myself very lucky to be alive.
Here are some simple things I did the first week of getting clean and sober (ALONE)
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delete all social media apps/ accounts
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cut up my ID
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deleted all my contacts but probably about 4 people
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listened to audio books and podcasts 24/7 of recovered addicts
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take it one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one morning or afternoon at a time, and then one day at a time. Recovery is possible - with or without rehab, but you must commit to a program. I tried AA and it didn’t work for me at that point in my recovery and then I found Smart Recovery - check it out if you feel like AA or NA isn’t for you at this point, but please remember you cannot do this alone, nor do you have to!!!
I worked the 12 steps alone without a sponsor and after I quit attending meetings, not typical but it was extremely helpful and I rework the steps whenever necessary.
Keep coming back!!
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That’s really good advice Jess!
Do what Jess said.
Kim I totally relate to what your saying me personally I’ve never really had a drinking problem more drugs. So when I go to aa I’ve always been aggravated identifying as a alcoholic and as an addict to. But one tip of advice I have is surrendering like in step 1 I believe is more of an ego thing. Me personally surrendering was very difficult for me to do and still is a little but when I finally did and started getting on my knees every morning asking god to keep me away from a drink or a drug it became so so so much easier it really blew my mind!
Stay strong it takes time to do all this stuff and with me personally failing and failing again trying to quit made me realize and put the pieces together of the issues I was dealing with!
And even till this day I can’t imagine never partying again but it’s the best thing for us in life!! Freedom and true happiness and the ability to be your true self!! Hang in there do what you gotta do and things will work out beautifully for you!
Ughh… I love AA and it saved my life, so it pains me to see some people not feel welcome or comfortable. There are so many great replies to your post. Although I’m a dinosaur 
now, I was 24 when I went to rehab (and I’m still working on acting like a grown up). I get that these programs and the idea of never drinking/partying again is just so inconceivable, but we know we have a problem and that we need to do something. Take a close look at the responses you received. They were said by loving and supporting people that have been where you are now. For me it was simple. I had a problem, I needed to make changes in my life, and I needed to work a recovery program on a daily basis to maintain continuous sobriety. Along the way I learned a lot about myself and the world around me, but in the beginning it’s best to just keep it simple. Thinking about the future will only make our anxious and afraid. Try and do what’s right for you today. Tomorrow do the same. Just keep doing this one day at a time approach for a little bit, and you will be on the path before you know it. Hang in there! I know some bad as$ people in recovery living their best life!
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Hey Kim. You can’t change until you’re ready and you won’t be ready until you’re willing. Right now and forever it will always be up to you. You first have to stop being your own worst enemy and stop trying to make too much sense out of it all. If you truly are an addict then you need to accept that, as much as it hurts you and makes you feel less than. That is the stone cold truth we’ve all had to face and accept. Only then can you truly begin the healing process. Sure some of us addicts are worse off than others and some of us are in a bit of a better place in our addiction but all that reaching changes nothing. An addict is an addict is an addict. Until you can accept and claim who and what you truly are I’m afraid you’ll just keep dragging out your fight. Just know that it’s actually possible to walk off that battle field and not have to fight anymore. It’s your choice and you have to do the work by yourself. Others will help but it’s all up to you
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Step 1 honestly and thoroughly will put you in the right direction. Sounds like you know you have a problem. To drink or use is to die.....in due time. Get the help you need. Get a sponsor, work the steps, find the God of your understanding...
Check yourself in for 60 days you’re almost there. If you’re ready to give in you’ll break when you get there. It’ll be the biggest weight off your shoulders. Trust the process not yourself right now.
Hey Kim, you’re not alone. I was a meth addict for 3 years. I went to a year long program called Mountain Ministries and after I graduated my year I decided for myself I needed more time n stayed on as a staff member for 3 years. I learned that our addiction is a mere symptom to a bigger issue of the heart. All those other programs are great if that’s what works for you, but deep down I knew I needed to get to the deeper root to why I chose to numb myself. To me, the only way to solve a problem is to find the root cause. God delivered me from my addiction and showed me the root cause behind it. I do, have a destructive relationship alcohol as well. I’ve learned I’m a binge drinker. I am learning that I can’t drink anymore, which sucks because it wasn’t ever my drug of choice so I didn’t think it would ever be a problem. Which brings me back to what I said before, it’s not our addictions, it’s the matter of my heart.
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I think you have a lot of things right. It sounds like you might be having a hard time picturing what your life could be on the other side of this. I’m not lying, once you get past the breakers, life is really good. But everything has to change (almost). That’s one of the big things that rehab did for me. I got to step out of my life for 28 days and realize that everything didn’t revolve around me. Things weren’t so set in stone and I wasn’t so tangled up in the life I was living. There is slack and space for the change that’s needed. Then I could see what a sober life could look like.
I mean when you said that you didn’t want to identify, you were saying that you didn’t want to but knew that you needed to. At least to yourself. And it’s sounds like you don’t want to change but know that you need to change. Am I close?
You’re body will shut down on you and you will wake up in the hospital and that’s god’s wake up call to you… please listen to it… life is beautiful without alcohol, I know first hand because I woke up in the hospital and that was my wake up call from above to stop so please stop drinking
I just want you all to know that I read every single comment and I can’t tell you how much I truly appreciate the overwhelming support and advice. It means so much to me that you took the time to respond with such detail. with that being said I told my counselor the truth about my addiction and even though it was extremely difficult and I completely broke down it felt very freeing so thank you again. You guys have given me hope xo
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For me it took embracing two words. Surrender and Acceptance. It took me some time to understand Surrender to Win. Also, I read page 417 of the Big Book a few times a week. Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.
Believe in you and higher power and treat alcohol as a poison.
The first step is so important. We have to know we're powerless over alcohol/drugs. We have to admit our lives are unmanageable with alcohol in our lives. When we get to that point is different for everybody. After that the work starts. There's a beautiful life in sobriety out there
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