I know I didn’t literally fight for my life even when I flat lined… for this to be “ it “ it can’t be. My life sucks because I made it that way, or so I want to believe, but the universe can NOT seriously be that shitty 
I’m a good person I know it. I deserve better
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You said it with the last 2 statements: “I’m a good person. I deserve better.”
Those were my “first steps” since I’m not an AA person. AA is absolutely a gift for some, but not for all, and each of us are on our own journey. That’s what brought me to these apps, to find a community and not be alone (per your other recent post).
You are a good person, and you do deserve better. Find those things that make you feel better about being in your head/skin/heart. For me it’s the gym (always has been), skiing, my bike, artwork, and when I really need it I lay back around candles and play singing bowls while repeating positive mindsets: aka, “I’m a good person, I deserve better.” You’ll get what you deserve in your heart and mind if you fight for it, and finding those things that make you happy will be how you fight for it.
You can do this. You deserve what you want. Just find it, seek it, don’t compare yourself to others. Know it’ll be rough, know you’ll confront parts of yourself you’ve put aside through drinking/using. You’ll slay it.
For me it’s “I Against I”. The “I” I want to be is always checking the “I” I don’t want anymore. I beat it down with every mile ran, with every blast down a slope of fresh white snow, with every design I smile and am proud of. You got this. Slay it.
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You Do Deserve It !!!! Keep fighting the Good fight !!!!
God thanks for sharing that cause I swear I thought I was the only one that felt that way and is going through those type of emotions