I learned there's two forces inside each of us. Our disease who wants us dead, miserable n destitute. Then there's our Hp who loves us unconditionally, wants only the best for n wants to see us happy as we can be. It took many years to get me clean n to the NA program. I thought I was done surrendering to my disease n would willing choose love n light. Even as hard withdrawaling n getting cleans was tonight I chose my dark side. I guess my question is where do you find the strength to choose better?
10 Likes
You just said where to find the strength
1 Like
Hey Jai, sorry to see you struggle. Remember who you want to be and how you want to live. I believe that you can put the darkness in the past and love a very fulfilling life, even through other challenges. You are definitely worth it.
1 Like
I believe those two forces live inside me as well. One is my ego and/or subconscious. The other is my conscious which is connected to my HP. Life tends to get me “disconnected” from the HP force if I’m not mindful of listening to it each and every day. The other force is always there to take over and ruin my life if I let it. You just got to get back to that one day at a time mentality so you can get and stay connected
1 Like
Do something for someone else. Service to others takes us out of our own heads. I can't relapse when my purpose is helping others, there no opportunity. Using is a self centered approach. When I get outta myself, I stay sober and happy.
1 Like
I completely agree with your analysis. For me, I learned to acknowledge the darkness, always reminding me there's light. Pause and then hopefully every time you're encountered with temptation or urge to succumb you've actively thought things through before proceeding en route.
3 Likes
Hey Jai,
In order for me to find strength, I had to understand strength for what? It is a disease that wants us miserable and dead for sure. But the strength to make the right choice, to battle this disease couldn't really help me if I didn't know what I was battling. The battle may seem on the surface to be to use or not use, but that is not what the disease really is, at least for me.
It is a disease of my mind,my thoughts, my thinking,my feelings and my emotions. It is a disease of my warped beliefs, my neural pathways I created by associating everything with my addiction. I had to find out why I was drinking in the first place, oh gosh and there were alot of reasons. Drinking wasnt the problem, drinking was just the end result of me not knowing, not dealing with the problems,not healing my diseased areas, I mentioned above. I had to change my perspective, my perception, my feelings, my irrational beliefs, my thought process and had to start forming good connections with things I do in my life and my sober living to change thought patterns. I had to learn or relearn how to just live. It takes time for sure, but if I could spend 21 years of my life forming thousands of bonds with alcohol in my daily living, I can spend years forming sober connections in my daily life now. and I hope to continue growing myself as I continue my journey.
1 Like
Thnx so much for your words. Beautifully stated. I appreciate you.
I would stay with NA. In meetings you will here the promise of freedom from active addiction. Work the program. One day your hp will take the desire away. 
1 Like
The reminder that if I don’t mind it don’t matter and to choose to mind all which matters overall that everything is mind over matter gives me strength most importantly embracing the importance and never forget how much beauty is in the freedom of choice. Choice of surroundings, choice of predicaments which we place ourselves and choice to say no to experiences which don’t suit where I’m inevitably headed.