Misery all around me. Relationships have been broken, trust has been lost, no one seems to smile anymore. The misery is me. I've collected a lot of karmic debt through the years. I've altered women's lives. How can you love when you have no love for yourself.
How do you love when you're raised by a narcissistic father, and a codependent mother. I was the youngest of 8. They were in their early to mid 40's when they had me. They were tired after raising 7 kids. There's 8 years between me and the next youngest. I don't have memories of them reading to me, pushing me on a swing, or playing catch with me. No, I remember the constant fighting and chaos. My sibilings were my caretakers. I have fond memories of most of them. I never felt alone and don't remember my father being a complete ahole to me at all then either. They shielded me from his cruelty.
I watched them all leave one by one and they never came back except for holidays. Biscuit left when I was 8. We never got along very well, but I remember not wanting to let her go when she hugged me for the last time.
Who was going to play with me now? Who was going to protect me? I have 5 boys of my own now. The older 3 all had different mothers. I made it a point to raise them as brothers. I alway got them on the same weekends.
I had drive 2 hrs. to meet halfway for Manny, but I did it. I was their rock all their lives. Sure I battled addiction of and on, but I was able to control my use when they were coming. I broke in front of them. They saw me quit on myself, and try to take my life. They are tired and just want the man who raised them back. I never been one to let life break me. I've had a job since I was 14, sometimes 2 jobs. Whatever it took for them to be taken care of. They're different now. We never get to see Manny much, but he's been here since the 26th, and I haven't seen them together since we all went to watch Spider-Man.
I promised them I'd never be selfish and try to take my own life again. But, I hate who I've become. I hate the pain I see on their faces. I know it's you Meth! I know you keep me in this darkness. I know you keep me from climbing out this hole. But, I need you. I don't deserve to be happy.
My children deserve better. Maybe I keep you around so you can convince me it's ok to break my promise. Maybe it's her. She's so cold and manipulative. She knows exactly how to fook with my head, and make me hate myself even more! I know she has narcissistic traits, with me anyway. To others she's a classic raging borderline bytch, but capable of empathy, and feels remorse. NOT with me though. She loves to see me miserable!
I left the first time because of this. I loved her from a safe distance. She knows I have no love for myself, and she exploits it with her narc tactics. Between the two of you I can't focus on them. Fook you both! Maybe its time to leave where I know neither one of you can harm me. Back with the people kept me safe as a child. They would protected me from both of you! But, that's only a band-aid for a big wound.
