I’m 450 days into my recovery Journey. Well my NA clean date is 450 days ago. I first started this journey last April. So much has happened. I don’t think I could have predicted this in a million years.
The pain didn’t stop. It became, different. That’s all. A newcomer that has come to me in three times of crisis, asked me When does the pain stop? I answered her, I don’t know. Eventually you are able to cope differently.
That’s all I could say. Today I experienced extreme physical pain. From a doctors appointment/test/exam. It was significantly traumatic for me. How did I cope? I had to ask my sponsor if it was okay to take a non narcotic (I’m allergic to most of them) medication prescribed for me recently that I was afraid to take.
I went the opposite direction with things. I used to NEED to change how I was feeling and I did that with substances. Now I can’t even take a Tylenol sometimes. Because it changes how I feel. I have this need to be in control of how I feel 24/7. A trauma response.
She told me I don’t deserve to be in this much pain and I need to allow myself to feel better. However that looks like. Even if it means taking a non narcotic medication that can help me with my pain. She’s a nurse so she understands exactly how stuff can effect me. It’s a plus, having her in my life. In so many ways.
I feel intense guilt at my perceived weakness of not getting over it without whining about it. I believe in keeping it to myself.
I recognize that I really don’t allow myself to relax ever. Or to feel better physically in some ways. It’s been an eye opening day.
Thanks for reading.
