i’m having really intense thoughts of drinking. my mom had a heart attack this morning. she’s alive and i racked up on like 5 meetings today. im feeling shame for wanting to reach out to the guy i was dating to console me. this week was so hard. part of me has been using the meetings to dissociate today. scared of being alone and feeling guilt and fear for not picking up her calls last night. and i felt fear this morning when my fam was texting me asking me how i was doing. idk why i want to drink. weird craving to sef-destruct and drink my misery away. or get some relief from this week.
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Praying for your mom 
keep going to meetings whatever it takes
Sorry about your mother. Glad you found some meetings to pass time. You’ve been sober for a long time. We can get in a groove. In the groove we can move Away from the daily disciplines. Forgotten Humility. And then all the sudden alcohol is front of mind again. Don’t go starting your life on fire. Breath. Be with it. You’ll get through this storm. Emotions are like the weather. This too shall pass.
I’m proud of you for fighting off the old habits, I hope you are too. Wishing the best for your mom.
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Hang in there, sending prayers 
don’t leave before the miracle happens
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Esthefany , you have an addictive brain…..people without one never think about things like we do….stay strong for YOU… its just life …..blessings for both you and your mom! Keith Kayle
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Life is happening again!! I tell ya it doesn’t stop does it? But you got this. Sorry about your mom and all the other things in life that come up. I wish you well and your mom too. Just try to remember that going through all this sober is the best way to do it. It sucks and may present itself as harder than with a drink but hold on to that strength sobriety has brought you. Glad you hit a bunch of meetings. Keep up the good fight for yourself and your mom and everyone around you. You brought courage today. Light in the darkness. So thx
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I'm glad that you're going to meetings. Are you raising your hand and telling the group(s) what you're going through? It sounds to me like you're going through A LOT!
Prayers,vitual hug.
As addicts our gut reaction was to delete any negative feelings or emotional discomfort. We didn’t even think twice before turning to drugs or alcohol at the slightest inconvenience, let alone something big like a loved one getting ill. But the fact that you’re self reflecting on your intrusive thoughts instead of immediately acting on them is a direct reflection of the work you’ve put into your recovery this far. 
keep doing what you know you should. I hope your mom gets well soon.
Stay strong and talk it out on here
I’m sorry to hear about your Mom. No shame in wanting to be supported, I can totally relate. My drinking feels self destructive too and I have a really hard time riding out cravings. You’ve got this
Drinking will only be a temporary fix, if that. Plus you don’t want to go back to that mental prison you will put yourself in after, with your mind full of shame, guilt, and despair. I am really sorry about your Mom, i know that has to be very tough. Stick to the solutions, meetings was a very good idea, and maybe sharing this in the meeting will bring some help. Also I read the family afterward in the big book any time I have emergencies in my family. I was the emergency at one time, but also it helps me realize that I can be of service now and reach out to help other members of my family and people in the program as that have similar experiences. There is no problem in our world that a drink won’t make ten times worse, so just keep reaching out 
Sorry about your mom.
Whatever's going on in your life it's not bad enough to drink. If you believe the lie alcohol feeds us; that this time, everything will be ok, you'll wake up the next day with a lot of guilt realizing you accomplished absolutely nothing.
Just keep walking through the pain. This too shall pass!
Prayers your way, this to shall pass.. Give it some time! God Bless
I get it, but stay the course and be there for your Mom and choose life for yourself.
You are feeling. The feelings you have are normal. You are feeling pain, anger,loss, and more no doubt. We are alcoholics. We didn't like our feelings. Most of us weren't taught as children how to feel pain and fear. You haven't taken a drink. You've gone to over 5 meetings in a day. We all face a day when we must cry. I promise you won't cry forever when you start.
Please keep going to meetings. Admit at one of them you have felt like you want to drink. Believe me healthy recovering Alcoholics aren't going to judge you. You wouldn't be in AA if you didn't have the urge to drink.
Keep going to the meetings. Share your pain and emotions there.
If you can, admit your feelings to your family about your mom if you think they aren't overburdened too like you. AA by the Grace of God has gotten me through cancer 3x. I was a mess like you. AA is alive with people who want to help you.
We all have a past. You can get through this.
I'm hear for you too.
Get to some women's meetings and reach out to them. You're in a bad spot, don't make it worse with drinking and reaching out to someone that didn't work out.
Prayers for your mom. Just think how you would make the situation worse if you drink. Stay strong, reach out go to meeting but don’t pick up it’s not going to make anything better.
Never know when that buggar is gonna attack though you have a good idea with major family events like your mother's health. My very close Grandma's Alzheimer's sent me on a relapse so I can attest. Sounds like you got meetings down lol. Just take the time to truely meditate on how shitey things were when drinking and that feeling of being trapped by it. Ironically, I like to go watch drunk ppl act like morons if you could find such a place. Bars are a bit too much probably. Maybe it's not for everybody, but that works great for me just seeing them slur and be incoherent 
. Just makes me sooo ecstatic I'm not doing that anymore. Just an idea. I'm sorry about your mama but I'm guessing it would just stress her heart more if you started drinking.
Good luck 