I met my husband in recovery, actually at an AA

Wellness
#21

In addition to my comment up above, at the advice of my sponsor back in 2003, I agreed to stay out of relationships for the time being. I spent a lot of time learning about me and how not to be codependent. Most people, although they won't admit it, are codependent when they come into the program. I wasn't even looking when I accidentally found this woman online.

We video chatted for two and a half years online before I finally decided to go overseas to meet her in person. We did this two times before I brought her over here to the States from the Philippines. We have been happily married for over 4 years.

I'm so glad that I stayed out of relationships in AA.

#22

As you know from AA, we can’t control other people/places/things. If he won’t confess, that’s on him. Try to forgive and not hold a resentment - but you’re doing the right thing by ending the marriage. “Once a cheater, always a cheater” - so true! You adjust that crown, and move on. Your HP had a reason for this - move forward. You’re not defeated. You’re not defective. Pray for knowledge of God’s Will for you moving forward. The best is yet to come! Prayers and peace to you.

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#23

Thanks Thomas!

#24

Hey Jess! Sorry you are going thru this. Very good that you don’t have to drink/use over this! I have some experience and thoughts about this. We can do horrible things sober. If we are not careful, life may get overwhelming and out of control to the point where we need to run and escape once again. Knowing we can’t turn to alcohol/drugs, some of us do turn to other addiction/escapes/compulsive behaviors. It doesn’t make it any better or justify any behavior. I believe g this is more about him struggling in life, than anything else. If what I’m saying makes any sense, then you may want to think of it as a relapse of sorts. First things first, he needs to come clean and admit it. Next he needs to become willing to work on himself again. Not sure I want to get into any deeper on this thread. If you want to hear my experience and thoughts, please send me a friend request. Regardless, you need to take care of yourself. This is extremely painful and difficult to go thru. You are courageous to bring it to the group.

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#25

Great advice Thomas. I agree with almost everything you said. I do take a different stance on “once a cheater, always a cheater” it’s not always true. There is recovery for that too. Much like the process of getting sober, there is a solution for those that may suffer from other addictions and obsessive/compulsive behaviors. Just my .02 on the subject

#26

Thanks. I should’ve qualified that statement. It’s not necessarily true with women - as that is usually an emotional thing. But men - it’s very oftentimes true.

#27

I went through a somewhat similar experience with my now ex. We were never married but we were both in AA. But we worked completely different programs and I now know that, for my ex to cheat on me, and lie to me about it, that says everything about his own internal conflicts, not mine. I was initially fixated on getting closure, and had to accept that I would never get the answers to my many questions. In hindsight, things went down the way they needed to so I could start to heal and move forward in a better direction. I’m so proud of you for not picking up. What helped me was upping my meetings, taking on a couple new commitments, and getting out in nature. Sending you lots of love.

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