Hi , im sam . Im an addict and an alcoholic.
A little back story. I am days away from 1 year clean from Meth . 10 months from alcohol.
I also have Borderline personality Disorder and im struggling , anyone who knows about BPD understands when i say im having more bad days then good . Everything has just been so much the last few months . In August my grandfather passed away , myself and a few close family members were caring for him . He had dementia.
Fortunately we were able to be paid since we kept him home where he wanted to be and didnt put him in a senior home .
So losing him also meant losing my income.
Thankfully my spouse has a good full-time job so he can cover the bills . I've been looking and wanting to find a new job i just really struggle mentally , its not that i dont want to work i just cant . I cant get out of my head , and when i feel like im finally having a good day , or week , the next day or week following is an absolute nightmare.
Again, if you know anything about BPD youd understand what i mean.
Im exhausted, mentally, physically, minor tasks like doing the dishes or cleaning the floors takes everything from me , im so self aware that i know my brain is wrong, i know this isnt how "normal" people are , i know im broken . Ive done so much to work on myself on the last year and i just dont feel like im getting anywhere (on the bad days) .
I goto my weekly meetings, most of the time i open up and share , some days i just can't.
Its not that i don't want to , i CANT . Amd i hate myself for it . Speaking outloud feels so good after , but i just cant DO it.
The last week ive heen waking up wishing i didnt. Im wanting to sleep longer, eat less , move less . And worst of all , i want to use because i know even for just one day i can have relief from everything being stuck in my head , i can shut it all off . But i know if i did , id give myself permission to keep using and i cant go down that road again.
I appreciate anyone whos read this far , id love to have a friend who i can open up to who understands me . If you have BPD and would also like a friend. Add me or message me .
Thaats all for now .
Thank you everyone .
I see you
Hey Sam! First, congrats on your sobriety dates. That by itself is a major accomplishment. I cant help much with the BPD, but I do acknowledge how difficult it is to function at a sufficient level on a consistent basis. That being said, I think you are doing an amazing job. You are being extremely hard on yourself. Don’t discredit the fact that you are staying clean and sober. Don’t discredit that you took care of your grandfather. Don’t beat yourself up for having an illness. You didn’t choose to be sick. It’s no fault of yours. I suggest you work on accepting and loving yourself. That’s really no different than what most of us are working on. My mind is constantly in overdrive thinking negative thoughts about myself. I’m not good enough…something is wrong with me…I’m not worthy…blah blah blah. I have learned to not let this spiral out of control, by maintaining a daily regiment of recovery. If you haven’t already done so, try some prayer and meditation, self affirmation, and journaling. These things help you get out of your head. Anything you can do to slow down your negative thinking will help you. It’s a process. Hang in there. You’re doing ok.
The freedom for me, and my multiple mental health diagnosis of Bipolar disorder with mania, generalized anxiety disorder, and depression. I couldn't see a way out, and I'm not even including my physical ailments. I have had 2 back surgeries in sobriety as well. I've lost people close to me, had a friend who was borrowing my car give it to someone else who got into an accident with it and totaled it over 1,000 miles across the country. My life was chaos, all around me, and all of the time. Throughout all of that, I didn't pick up no matter what! I had to dive head first into AA, go to meetings every day, get a sponsor, get a home group and a service position within my home group, and work the 12 steps to the best of my ability. I also have a counselor and a psychiatric nurse who have helped with my mental health. There is a true freedom in the steps, and I work them to the best of my ability all day every day. Today, I have a newfound relationship with my Higher Power, 9 sponsees (all at different phases of their sobriety), and inner peace. Whenever I get stuck in my own head, I get to a meeting, or rely on the experience of the men who have been doing this much longer than I have. It is a design for living that truly works in calm and turbulent seas.
Nothing in my life gets better or easier if I pick up. I have to pray, meditate, and not pick up a drink or a drug between now and the time I go to bed...Rinse and repeat, and life miraculously gets better. I'm praying for you, but if you follow the suggestions of those who have come before you, then you will be just fine.
It sounds like you’re carrying a lot, and you’re doing everything you can to keep going. You’re not broken, you’re healing, one hard day at a time. Keep reaching out