I only use when I drink because it allows me to justify the choice to give in. I just want to find the strength to not take the first drink. Any advice??
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Meetings and writing down a list of reasons why u want to be sober when you get cravings
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Go to a meeting, talk to a fellow sufferer, get out of your own head.
I can fully understand they go hand in hand with me what I had to Focus on is why I go back and then I realize that it was the people I was hanging around and staying in contact with and not allowing my newfound friends in once I started that then I understood
Go to meetings. Hear the stories of stopping. Because once you know the beauty without using you’ll know that the opposite is what will bring you back here over and over again asking the same question. You know the light and the dark. Give into the light. You’re a plant looking for that. There are no branches growing in the dark heather. Believe in it. Value it. You can do this. There’s too much good that has happened since I manifested my light only 39 days ago and my life has been more fulfilling in this short month and half than it has in 20 years.
I went through the exact same thing, which is what ultimately led to my rock bottom. I had to stop drinking as well, all substances are off the table for me.
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I'm the same way as well. I really don't know what the answer is, except that for me, this time around anyway, I'm just thinking of it as a lifestyle change all together... I can't play in between because really that's when I drink and things fall apart quickly from there.
I think making the decision that you don't want that life is an important step.
For me, after five hospitalizations, including the ICU, the doctor told me if I don’t stop, I will die. I had pancreatitis and it is not good.
 The doctor told me to picture a stop sign on a road, and on the other side of the stop sign is a sheer 500 foot cliff. If I don’t stop, I will go over the cliff and die.

There is nothing good with alcohol and how it  affects the vital organs. The brain, heart, esophagus, stomach, kidneys, pancreas, and liver.
Don’t put yourself in the situations in the first place. If my friends are in a room using/drinking, I don’t walk in the room. And I make it clear to them that I don’t want anything to do with drinking or any other substances that would mess with my sobriety. If your friends don’t help you maintain your accountability, then find new friends that will. But don’t just avoid unhealthy substances and situations, lean toward substances (water, for example) and situations (going for a 45 minute walk at a park) that fill that gap and promote health. 
Get a Sponsor, Go to meetings and for God's sake start reading The Big Book and start putting pencil to paper!