Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my recovery.
I relapsed.
But not in the traditional sense..
[For Context] : when the worst of my active addiction days were at their peak, I was homeless and living in a tent ( if i was lucky ).. I had no income, and no self worth. Naturally for a woman with severe trauma from abuse from men and no real understanding of self love or self worth: I turned to a cash for flesh lifestyle.
In order to survive this emotionally, i retreated to the darkest parts of my subconscious and hid. I was living. Breathing, moving, working ... but i was not there, I was a ghost. An object, a persons "thing" ... in my eyes and theirs, i had no worth.
I had no sense of dignity, self worth or care for what I was doing to my soul. As far as i was concerned, i didnt have one.
Yesterday, while in a vulnerable financial state I fell for the trap, and I allowed a man, one I knew from my past life in addiction, take me to a hotel for his "good time"...
The shame I felt afterwards, and the guilt, the disgust for what I had just done to myself and the revolt of allowing this man to even touch me was overwhelming. It is still, how did I let this happen?
To top it off after he dropped me off I checked my account. He sent me only 1/2 of what we agreed upon: ultimate slap in the face.
But it was a slap that I desperately needed, because it snapped me out of the behavior pattern I had so been so nieve to fall back into. And I am grateful for it.
There was something else that happened as well,
On my way home, I stopped at the corner store to get a coffee and a snack, I tend to eat my feelings by ruining my healthy lifestyle with sugar and chips. Terrible habit but great motivator. Whilst I was there, a young native woman came in the store with a backpack and started to rob the place.. i watched in shock as she wrestled with the attendants, throwing things and grabbing at items, tearing open chip bags and smashing canned drinks. The attendants started threatening her, grabbing her roughly and throwing her towards the door, they even took her pack back and started taking her own personal items out of it, one threatened to "beat her if she didn't leave": i immediately phoned the police and reported it. They shoved her out the door and locked it with her personal items still inside. I told the police which way she went and that she wasn't armed...
The thing is... at some point and not even so long ago, I was that girl, and it was like God himself was reminding me of what would happen as a result of my actions that day. I took the hint, I heard that message loud and clear.
Today, I woke with a new sense of love and dedication to myself, to my body and the sacrity of it. To my sobriety, not just from narcotics or alcohol.. but my emotional sobriety.
I remembered and restated my commitments to myself, to love myself wholly, to be kind and compassionate to and with myself, and to never, NEVER hurt myself in that way EVER again.
Addiction comes in many forms, and harms us in many ways, our commitment to ourselves and recovery has to be honored in every way or it will come back and bite us in unexpected places.
That means being honest and authentic, showing self love and compassion, understanding ourselves on levels that never occurred to us and being present and ever mindful of old patterns and behaviors that do us harm.
Yesterday was a huge set back, but today I am healing and giving myself space and permission to sit with myself, and love myself, and make sure that I never let myself down like that again.
Because I am worth more than some man's good time.
And nothing is worth losing that.
God bless