I started drinking at age 13 when my real dad bought me and my girlfriend a bottle of watermelon pucker. At that age I thought I was being cool. The way it made me feel inside was that every worry/fear/doubt disappeared. It gave me an exit, the ability to tolerate life, I felt sociable, fun and it made all the pain go away. For the next 22 years I would struggle with the demon of alcohol consuming my life everyday. I drank every single day. Sometimes 3 sometimes 30 but I always had to have my safety net of booze by my side. In 2015 after a three week wedding/honeymoon all inclusive drinking  extravaganza I had had enough. From 2015-2018 I went to 11 different rehabs. The longest I was every sober was 30 days. I got pregnant with my son during the heaviest of my drinking. Once he was born my husband divorced me and took our son. Honestly, best thing for our son because mom couldn’t even take care of herself at that time. That was 3/2018 when my family fell apart. The rest of 2018 is a blur. I went downhill faster. Everything was gone but as long as I had my best friend alcohol I didnt care, I couldn’t feel anything. Got a dui, lost my license for a year. I had not been working for a few years, I’d work here or there but drinking would make me lose my jobs. I met my now fiancé in 2018, I tried to keep my drinking from him but yeah right- what alcoholic can hide that they black out drink every single time. It was rough but unlike my ex husband who wanted to ship me away all the time to rehabs, my fiancé worked with me daily. He kept me with him even when I would protest because if I was alone I could drink. He knew that. Of course no one wants to be a prisoner to someone but I already was satans victim, so this was progressive. I truly thank my fiancé for everything he did. He brought God into my life where Satan hide God and didn’t want me to know God existed. August 9th 2019 was my last binge and my sobriety date. We together own a restaurant that I run. I have vacation properties that I own and manage. I was sober until I had a drinking lapse July 9th-13th 2021. After a stressed filled no employees trying to run a restaurant short staffed and busy. I wasn’t feeling right, I couldnt explain why I was feeling off. Something wasn’t right. So after almost two years sober, I picked up the bottle. Which ultimately gave me a heart attack at 37. I had just gotten visitation custody of our son just six months prior. That was removed and since my lapse I no longer have access to my son unless it’s supervised. My battle now, I LEGALLY use medical marijuana. Lotions, creams, topicals and gummies to help with pain and appetite because I suffer from anorexia too, (I’ve gained 15 pounds with the help of this medicine!) My ex who’s a cop and all the lawyers and judges say I have not been sober to have my son unsupervised and I am still using drugs. I have never done anything but drinking before. Since my heart attack I’ve turned to Holistic Healing and I’m trying to heal my traumas, PTSD and ED. So, even though my life is now where I never ever imagined it could go, I’m hurting and struggling over my court battles and missing my 5 year old miracle baby boy.
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You know you’re trying to become the best version of yourself you can be. Others won’t always see things in the same light as we do and that’s ok. You will get your life back on track. I’m sorry to hear it’s a struggle right now with your ex and court battles. Don’t give up, you’re doing the right thing for YOU. Just keep going. It’ll get easier one day.
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