I still have a lot of people to this day they're still judge me because they don't understand how I can go to the things that I go through and not use well let me tell you why I know what that life is like and it's not peaceful at all you're walking around fighting demons 24/7 and not the kind that you think that you're going to like you fighting the chances of not surviving you fighting the chances of waiting on the dope man you're fighting the chances of getting served something bad you're fighting the chances of going to jail and possibly prison you're fighting the chances of losing your mind you're fighting the chances of inventing people to talk to because you're so high you're fighting the chances of losing every friend associate in family member you ever had in your entire life you're fighting the chance that you won't wake up if you get high you're fighting a chance that if you get high you're going to stay up for 7 8 Days 10 minutes you're fighting a chance that you won't get a meal in your stomach you're fighting the chance of trying to set something up just so you can make your next eye all of that is work work more work stress day after day after day but here's the Big Catch you're fighting the chance of losing yourself everything about and I mean everything you no longer look the same at the same your values morals and standards change your relationships fail the love you thought was love is abuse but you take it anyway because you know nobody else is going to accept you you really Lose Yourself and if you look at the world today and see the addicts that are still suffering that's still out there and I mean you truly see them for what they are you don't want that life anymore because that life brings a whole new set of problems that you're not willing to face today so as many problems as I go through trust me none is worth adding to going and picking up because at the end of the day when it's all said and done and you don't relapse no one's going to look at you and have your back they're going to say what we about to do bro and then you have another problem addiction it has crept back in and you have no way out and every single time that you relax that hole gets deeper and deeper and deeper and darker and darker and darker so when you look at me and you think you know me and you wonder why I take whatever this is out at me and I still don't pick up it's because I learned the lesson to live life on life turns I know how to survive now without picking up I play my tape all the way through I called my sponsor I called my Village somebody please help me because at the end of the day you have no idea what that's going to feel like if you relax and for some of us who have years multiple years and you have the knowledge of the 12 steps in the trail traditions and you're going to meetings and you're doing meditation and you and your your doing affirmations and you're doing what you need to do to focus this up keep this life and you relapse you feel like s*** and you don't want to come out of that Darkness because then you have to face people all over again who believed in you who had your back and told you you ain't going back so before I pick up I will call my Village I will call my sponsor and I will call them until somebody answers and I don't care if it's three four five am in the morning even if I have a relapse dream and something's just not right I know that it was just a dream and if I entertain that thought for more than 6 seconds I don't stand a Fighting Chance so I don't entertain anything that makes me want to use and I would rather deal with everything the devil throws at me than to lose me all over again because it was really hard finding her
