I think I’m giving up on myself everyday more and more. I don’t want to be sober ever and that’s the messed up part about it. I’m sorry, maybe one day I’ll come back.
Oh Viicccc!!! 
Don’t give up!Clearly part of you does want to be sober or you would not be posting here. I read through all your posts and only YOU can make the change. Of course everyone says that and I’ve heard it myself 100000x. I always wanted the change but I didn’t know how it feel the meetings were doing anything for me. It took me falling into a VERY BAD place in life, from both mental illness & drinking. Can you go to rehab? And if you do- to a dual diagnosis place so they can treat both your mental illness & addiction. I am working on getting myself checked in asap even though I’m starting to feel better bc I NEVER EVER want to be in this low of a place again and keep my life on hold any longer. You/we all deserve the same!!! Please consider inpatient rehab.. I can relate to some of your posts & I think we just don’t have the level of will-power/strength to just go to meetings/have a sponsor and then go home. I think you owe yourself the chance to be somewhere for at least a few weeks where you can not use & work the program. Then decide if you’re ready to continue getting healthier or “don’t care” and “want to give up.” I can see in your posts you do want to be better and your addiction is the one telling you NO! Please don’t give up 
. Message me if you’d like.
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One negative thought followed by the bending of the elbow and your misery can be refunded 10 fold. For me my worst day sober is better than my last day loaded. I will stay the course and I hope you do too!