I thought about relapsing today - well actually just a few seconds ago so i immediately got on this app to talk about it.
It's the overwhelming emotional pain that keeps compiling with every new painful experience on top of the already deeply embedded pain i have inside of me.
Ive been trying to manage it with therapy and AA and medication. It just isn't enough to negate the painful experiences that keep coming at me.
There were points in my life where i was unaffected and those were helpful but its been like life is trying to break me and i mean i am already broken in many ways already, if i wasnt i wouldnt have these addictions and mental health problems - not to mention the physical problems that i believe could have manifested as a direct result of this emotional pain.
Alcohol is about taking the pain away briefly while also slowly killing myself. Not because i actually want to die but because i actually want to live and be happy - but no amount of striving for this happiness has been possible to maintain.
