I thought I'd share something with you guys that's been near and dear to my heart and I've been thinking about it all day it's been a long time since I've been on my own and had my own place after going through addiction and relapsing and going into halfway houses and living with people and coming back out going on the run from the police couldn't knock my ankle monitors going back to prison getting out starting back over during the relapse thing getting back out there on the drugs selling my body doing things to try to keep up with my old lifestyle I never thought and that having my own place will bring me such peace and comfort as it does today I thought I would never see this again in my life because where I was headed was grave so many things happen I mean the abusive relationships to trauma the the arguments been running away from home I mean it's just so much that I can think back on that I failed it at being an adult even as a mother I feel that that s*** horribly like I thought that buying my children was giving them what they needed not knowing that what they needed was me and I know that now because my daughter's 23 and she often reminds me I am now at the stage of my life I'm 50 years old and I'm looking back on all of this that I have been through and all of the things that still go through on a day-to-day basis and I walk around my two bedroom apartment and I'm so happy that I finally have something with my name on it I can say it's mine nobody can come and put me out unless my rent is not paid in my rent is going to be paid nobody can starve me today I don't have to go looking someone else's fridge and pray there's a meal that's going to be there or look for a pack of noodles to eat because I have nothing else to put into my stomach or they pray that one of the restaurants will let us get them for the night cuz we used to run all kind of skins on them I mean one was Taco Bell we knew if we called and told them they messed up our order they was going to give us a fresh order and we all was going to eat that night it's funny that I look back on all of this and I never want to see that dark path again I don't know where I was trying to go or who I was trying to impress or what I thought I was doing at that time but today I'm in my own place I have food in my stomach I'm not addicted I have my recovery groups I have a podcast on recovery I'm living the dream I have almost 5 years 54 months next month another Milestone hits God has given me back so much and yet I will find a way to convince myself that I'm not where I'm supposed to be when I if I am being honest with myself and I am trusting God's process for my life then I'm exactly where I need to be because this is where he placed me a lot of people don't seem to understand how can I not want to use or where my life is at this present point in time or what goes through my head when I'm going through all kind of trauma and turmoil and anger and hatred all around me I think about where I come from I've been homeless I've been hungry where I had nothing but drugs in my system I've had to fight I've had to sleep on people's floors on their sofas and no they didn't want me there I've even had to sell my own body to make sure that I was okay and I made an excuse for that too I said at least I'm not asking anybody for anything or I'm not dependent on nobody but me I made excuses for every area of my life and now I look back on that and I can teach other women and the other women can hear my testimony and we can all agree that God has been good to me and that's exactly what it is a testimony it's a test of everything that tried to break me and yet somehow I keep surviving the devil's attacks and he keeps coming he keeps coming every witch way he can he still ain't let up yet after almost 5 years he still testing God's ability to restore a human being even when God shows him every single day that she is not yours anymore I walk around my little apartment and I smile because of where I came from with absolutely nothing I don't have everything I need but I have the basic necessities I'm not wanting for anything should I say do I need a lot of things yes but I'm not wanting for anything and I owe all of that forgot people wonder how do she go through the things that she go through every single day and be able to still hold their head high and not look down at the ground or not fall out or not show out or not just that's because God shows himself evident in my life every single second of every single day I'm here to show other women that they can get out of situations like this and you can't be broken because of it so if you're out there and you happen to come across this and you read this to the end I want you to know that you can make it the abusive relationship you can get out of it the hateful snares that people throw at you that don't concern you will turn into a blessing or a beautiful picture the things that people do to hurt you and only end up blessing you there isn't in to everything that you go through in your life every cycle that you go through in your life there's an end but you have to keep holding on and trusting that God will see you through like she said face of a mustard seed is all it takes that's all it takes base of a mustard seed and if you have that you have everything you need to go into battle with your Bible cuz what is the Bible anyway basic instructions for daily living that's what your Bible means I sleep with mine at the foot of my bed it doesn't move and when it comes to God I walk by Divine faith and never by sight so you can think that you're going to hurt me all you want to but as long as I got God I got all the strength I need to conquer you and anybody else believe in yourself young ladies know that you matter your dreams matter and regardless of what man has to say we are leaders too y'all stay strong be up and I hope that my story every day that I get on here and I post bits and pieces I hope it helps you to thrive alone your journey and I hope it touches someone or touches something in someone to stay away for the drugs to get your life back to fight for something other than a piece of dope we all matter it's up to you rather you live or die and that choice is yours
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Thank you for your words of Wisdom! Iām so happy to hear you have your life in order and are enjoying it ! It really is so much more fulfilling to live a drug/alcohol free life. God Bless you