Today I admitted to my program mgr that I have relapsed and fucked up. I called him out of the blue and told on myself. I don't want to live this life. I'd rather be dead than live this chase and exhaustion and lies and games and getting hurt and just overall ridiculous neverending game of feel great for a bit and fight for that feeling until you can't fight any longer and then crash and feel horrible.
I was bored. No excitement, same day in and out. Miserable. But that's where I fucked up. I cannot go from 1.bored AF to 2. crazy all day bs....feeling great for the high rush, then miserable. I need a happy medium. Or a happy period. How do I find that? I haven't figured that out for 50 fu**ing years. I don't have many close friends. I barely do anything. Idk I just don't get this life thing. Can someone offer advice?
Alicia, I struggled for many years until I went all in. AA meetings daily and nightly, got sponsored and did the 12 steps multiple times. Did service work in the AA program and sober community. I had to reprogram my brain and reactions to life.
17 years sober and grateful 
. Iām here if you want to talk or have any questions
We have to find some other life connections.
I struggled all the time with isolation (especially when drinking at the end) I had to force myself to be accountable for my own recovery, actions, and relationships. I just started out slow asking people if they wanted to go get coffee or a soda. Then it quickly developed into going doing activities we all enjoyed and finally friendships that have lasted more that 12 years. Start small..... be bold...
Jesus !