Today I admitted to my program mgr that I have relapsed and fucked up. I called him out of the blue and told on myself. I don't want to live this life. I'd rather be dead than live this chase and exhaustion and lies and games and getting hurt and just overall ridiculous neverending game of feel great for a bit and fight for that feeling until you can't fight any longer and then crash and feel horrible.
I was bored. No excitement, same day in and out. Miserable. But that's where I fucked up. I cannot go from 1.bored AF to 2. crazy all day bs....feeling great for the high rush, then miserable. I need a happy medium. Or a happy period. How do I find that? I haven't figured that out for 50 fu**ing years. I don't have many close friends. I barely do anything. Idk I just don't get this life thing. Can someone offer advice?
