I try to keep communications with my son’s father to a bare minimum because it’s so awful for my mental health.. he’s an expert gaslighter and was abusive, emotionally and physically and that’s why I had to end it when my son was very young.. Today, he graced me with a message and is completely denying the fact that he essentially abandoned our son as soon as the pandemic started over 3 years ago. He’s claiming that our son told him he was choosing to live with me. I have such rage and sorrow in me right now.. my son has not been well. His mental health has really suffered in the last few years and I bear more weight and responsibility than ever. He lives across town and my son only got to see his dad’s cat once this year. Last time he was supposed to take him to dinner he cancelled last minute. My son has seen his father maybe 5-6 times since 2023 started, and he lives 10 minutes away. I could not have more on my plate right now, so to have this guy texting me, telling me not to forget the financial aid deadline for colleges as my son goes into his senior year and is struggling, going to therapy as he tells me that our son chose to live at my place instead of his which is an outright LIE has my blood boiling more than anything has maybe this entire summer. I have so many things to be angry about. But I can’t let my son see me angry or cry because it affects his mental health. I don’t have an outlet for this kind of anger. I’m going to try to use it to power through my day but right now I have tears just pouring down my face because that’s all I can do. He may be the worst person I know. Gaslighting is HORRIBLE, and now he’s trying to do it to our son, putting it all on him. I have to cool down but I also have a million things to do today, including a medical procedure so I can’t eat any food for many hours. They say the truth will set you free. I don’t get to tell anyone the truth. 
First, I got to give you so much credit for getting out of the abusive relationship, taking care of your son, and remaining sober over the past 4 years. You truly are amazing! Your ex is real piece of work. What a bs excuse to abandon your kid and responsibilities! All of these feelings are way too overwhelming. The anger and resentment towards your ex is damaging you. He is who he is. Don’t expect anything good to come from him. He will reap what he sows. Let the “universe” take care of the MF’er. You can only focus on you. Continue to take care of yourself. I have a 24 and 21 year old. I struggle(d) with guilt and remorse whenever they were struggling with their mental health. I can relate to those feelings. I also was angry at my wife for her part in the equation. What worked best for me was to work my steps on all this sh!t. I was very powerless over the situation, and it made me very frustrated, angry, and uncomfortable. I was overwhelmed and falling apart. My life was becoming unmanageable. I made the choice each morning, ODAAT, to let go of it, and concentrate on my own mental and spiritual health. It was hard cuz I was so scared about my kids. It’s so hard to see them struggle. However, I came to believe, ODAAT, that all I could do is love, support, and listen to them. I came to believe that the same “universe” that was helping me stay sober, would take care of them as well. I had to make this choice to live ODAAT many times throughout the day. As soon as my mindfulness would slip away, my mind would drift back to all of “my” problems. I’d become extremely anxious and uncomfortable again. I had to pause and let it all go again and again during the day. It made the unmanageability a little more manageable.
Don’t know if any of this makes sense or helps, but I hope it does a little. We appreciate you sharing all of this, and we are here to listen and support you. We are stronger together. You can do this…ODAAT 
❤🩹
Thank you, that was a very constructive response. I have a lot of fear for my son and anger flowing in me. His father blamed his absence on his own depression issues at first and got us to feel bad for him, but now he’s turning it around and saying it was my son’s choice, which is a huge lie. I called him out on it and he said “F off forever, bye Felicia” and is now texting our son demanding that they have a “talk”. I told my son to remember the truth, to not let his dad try to weasel his way through and manipulate my son into thinking it’s his (my son’s) fault. He says he knows how his dad is and acts like he can handle whatever confrontation his dad is trying to have with him now. I’m worried.
I have made plenty of mistakes when it came to my kids. I didn’t realize it at the time, but bad mouthing and complaining about my spouse to my kids was not healthy for them. Today I handle (try to) these situations differently. Recovery has taught me so much. We don’t want our kids to feel abandoned or unloved. If you take away all the anger and resentment towards your ex (justified or not), I think you know that he does love his son. He doesn’t show it. He doesn’t act like it. He’s a total as$hole. Even with all that, I’m pretty sure he loved his son. For the mental health of your son, I would focus on the fact that his dad does love and care for him. Unfortunately, his dad is letting all of his own personal issues control how he acts and behaves. Explain how our past can haunt us if we don’t take care of ourselves and heal from our own bad upbringing. Tell your son a little bit about your story, and how it was once getting the better of you until you made the choice to change your ways. Maybe you both can agree that you both pray his dad will wake up and make the choice to change his bad ways. Kids are very smart. They probably know a lot more than we do. Your son will have to accept his dad for where he is today, but have boundaries to protect him from getting hurt. None of what I’m saying is easy. You just have to make a decision to be a different person today, and start the process of healing. There will be plenty of headaches and setbacks along the way, but stay the course and things will slowly change. Love and tolerance over anger and judgement ❤🩹
You know your ex is a liar and a horrible person and you are no longer being gaslighted bc you see through the BS so give yourself some credit and try not to own the anger that comes from it. You have awareness. You don't have to hold on to that anger he manifests. You can let it go. It will take time and practice but it's possible. Thankfully he's your ex and not in your house every day. Hurt people hurt people someone said to me. Don't let his damaged soul ruin your life.
I wish that I could give you a huge hug and sit in silence with you ( even as we do not know one another )-and let you share your hurt, anger and tears-within a safe and compassionate space.
I am so sorry.
I have been through gaslighting.
I lived with a gaslighter.
You are right.
It is horrible.
Please let us know how you are doing.
I am glad you shared here.
Having to be strong all of the time sucks in my opinion.
Sometimes you, we just yes-want to cry and show, relay what we are really feeling and not have to hear cliches and platitudes.
( I’m not saying anyone here is doing that )-I’m simply agreeing that gaslighters e f f i n g suck!!
When you are going through s h - t, it is tough to simply not let a-holes get to you.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing.