I’ve been sober for almost 5 years and my wife has just recently relapsed I was asked to leave which I did and now that I’ve gone she wants me to move back in to the house.
My grandson calls me every day and tells me that I need to go home because grampa has to be home for thanksgiving day so he can come visit me.
I honestly don’t know if I want to be here right now and I’m just so fuckin lost and I can’t stop crying. My emotions are not usually a thing I let people see. But this is uncontrollable and I feel like I’m going to fuckin explode.
I mean I’m 52 and always have been the rock of our family and I just feel like I’m going to loose my mind if I don’t do something but being who I am I have nobody to ask because everyone I know enough to trust is dead or shitfaced in some bar room.
I’m guess I’m just scared I don’t know cause I honestly don’t know what scared feels like!
God, grant me.. I'd start there and stay the course. If you're stable in recovery then maybe you can talk some sense into her and set some boundaries where substance isn't allowed in the house for your own personal reasons. Guide her back into sobriety as the friend and partner that you are. But as a user yourself, you know this is no easy task and that the decision to remain sober has absolutely nothing to do with you, it's her choice. But, with 5 years on the books you also likely know the literature, the weaknesses, and the spiritual draught that she's put herself into. Perhaps some patience would be key in saving your marriage. As for the family pressuring you, that is not your burden either, ideally you should be there, but would you rather attend the holiday as your happy family, potentially faking it for the sake of others, or strive for long term happiness, which seems like the bigger picture and better outcome in my mind. A day is a day, no matter the label it has been given and no day outweighs the beauty of a lifetime. Steak over Skittles, sometimes taking the quick and simple gesture to please isn't going to actually do anything but by time, when the real solution is worth the extra work.
And we all get scared, it makes you human. Just remember your faith, everything will be okay. Sometimes the best outcome ISNT the preferred outcome, but there is a reason for it.
It's terrifying to find oneself unable to make someone we love clean & sober. On the one hand I would give my life to make that happen. On the other, the one thing I cannot give up is my sobriety.
My solace and strength comes from two places. First, my personal relationship with God (not a religion thing for me, a close personal relationship: I talk to him daily, and he brings me solace.
Second, from a simple question I learned from my first sponsor: "Is what I'm about to do (or not do) going to take me one step closer to, or one step further away from, my clean & sober freedom."
George my heart breaks for you! Be with your family, if only for a moment! Stay strong in your convictions and don’t be swayed from the path. But god and your family surely will always be with you and have your best interests at heart. Be safe brother!
Being scared is ok. You're human. Your wife asked you to leave and now she wants you back.
Her emotions are like a roller coaster right now.
I would not put myself in an environment where you could relapse.
If you're not going to AA meetings already I would start. You could ask her to start going with you. She has to feel enough pain to make the decision on her own to stop.
I wouldn't feel too pressured by your grandson. He's just a kid. Incidentally, how much time did she have before relapsing? Did she get sober in AA?
She believed the big lie; that this time, everything would be ok. But it isn't, is it?
Keep your head on straight. You are not responsible for anyone's sobriety but yours.