I walked to Dunkin Donuts (which is 4 miles away) It was like 6 in the morning. I couldn't sleep with so much in my head, getting sober/Clean for the first time in my life. Getting back on my feet and being able to get off the streets and into business school. Over come this addiction and tell my story of survival one day.The year is ending. And I am not where I want to be and I just want to be back home with my Husband and dogs.My life is a mess and I have made any one who ever knew me hate me or just avoid me when they see me. My actions in active addiction made me do things that you could not imagine. Craft lies and deception like a spider crafts a web. Making up all kinds of lies or doing just about anything humanly imaginable just to get a single hit. I get to Dunkin some time later and I walk in an order a coffee. I go to pay for it and then realized I left the change I had made the day before back at home. I stand there embarrassed wanting to cry since. I have been drifting in and out of reality the last 6 days.The days blending together, not being able to feel time and space. Almost in limbo. Confused.So I just tell the guy that I had no money and if I could just get a cup of hot water instead. I go and sit by the window. Dunkin has always been my favorite spot. Unlike other places where I feel like I'm being judged or having to look nice just to go in. Dunkin just feels so accepting. And the way my life has been going, it's one less thing to stress about. I sit there and start wandering about a big part of my next chapter. The most crucial thing to making it out of the streets, and that's how I'm going to earn income. I can't make dirty money any more ( dirty money is money made by stealing, lying, cheating or doing anything to some one that's illegal or false). I have to have something that will allow me to make steady income. Right now me applying for a job is out of the question. I'm in no legal or stable condition to keep a 9 to 5. I just have to stay clean for now. But in order to make it to the mental health facilities, go see the Doctor, apply for any type of service's or aid. I'm going to need bus fare. Here is 1.50 per ride. And since I'm new on my sobriety journey. I'm goung to have to deal with a lot of different services. So it's going to be a lot of waiting and bus fare. I sat there for two hours. Thinking of what I could do with the resources I have now. Become an Instagram or online influencer or model since I have a phone and service. Walk around and ask people for work or post ads online about who needs help with anything around the house or business or go and wait at home Depot for some one looking for a day worker. Or was I going to make dirty money just until I get back on my feet. I sat there sipping the hot water lost in thought. Before I knew it, it had been 2 hours and I now sat there with a cup of cold water. As I was getting up to leave. My ex Greg who is a police officer walks in and sees me. I sat there praying he doesn't see me, but the first thing he does is walk up to me and says "Howdy stranger" I then started to panic. Trying to think of what to say, embarrassed by the way I looked, so I just said hey. He started to talk to me, asking me a lot of questions about how life has been for me since we broke up and I started to tell him. At first bits and pieces and the longer we talked, I finally opened up to him and broke out in tears. I told him about how I lost everything, ruined my marriage to a wonderful amazing person, made my family hate me and how I have been living surviving since then. I had so much in me that I just talked and talked for what seemed like forever. It felt nice to get everything off my chest and have some one who was actually listening and cared. He then asked me what I was going to do from now on. I replied with the only thing I could say, and that was, that I was going to turn my life around and fight just to get some piece of my old life back. As I sat there wiping the tears from my eyes, he looks at my cup and asks me what I was drinking. I told him about how I forgot my money and was sipping on water. He then told me to go with him and I said ok. As we get to the counter he just says order what you want. At that moment, I felt so ashamed. How could I let him get me anything, is he looking down on me and thinking of how pathetic I became since we were together. I replied with no thanks but he said he wasn't going to take no for an answer. I just said one large cup of coffee. As he was ordering my cup of coffee and his order, he asked the cashier for a 50 dollar gift card as well. I didint think much about it and we went and talked a bit more before our order was done. As we walked up to get our things, he says that he has to go and that it was nice seeing me. I said me too and he then gives me the gift card. In that moment I felt so confused, I turned it down and told him that I was not looking for charity. He then tells me it's my Christmas gift and to just shut up and take it. I did not know how to thank him, I became to lost and confused. A Christmas gift. Those were the last word I ever expected to hear. I haven't had a Christmas gift in years. I haven't had some one be so nice to me in such a long time. I became teary eyed and said thank you. As he left he said he had faith in me. It was what I needed. Just to have some one treat me with kindness and to feel human. I don't know what to do. But I have to find some way to make some income, but the only support system I have is total strangers in different cities who are cheering me on in my battle. But I make a promise and vow that one day I'll win my family back and become the professional i used to be.
Thank you for sharing. I hope your situation gets better. Keep working on yourself and others will need time to heal don't loose hope and keep working to amend those relationships
It looks like you have a gift for writing. Maybe while you’re in your head, you could start writing down every thought you have. This could come in handy later when you’ve been sober for a few years. Right now, it’s about staying sober by any means possible. I can relate to your story, and here I am five years later—never thought my life would change, but it has. Hang in there.
Find out where the resources are in your city. Is treatment an option? Detox? Are there social workers who can help you get situated? Talk to them. It’s going to take advocating for yourself and, at times, not taking no for an answer. It sounds like you want this badly enough to do whatever it takes to make it happen.
Know that we’re here for you, and I’m so proud of the steps you’re taking. I’m rooting for you every step of the way!