I was so used to getting alcohol and drinking every day, that the compulsion became something I didn't even fight anymore. I feel powerless over the thoughts that occur to me about drinking. I wish they weren't there.
You are not alone, I think many of us are the same. The fellowship of AA helps me, I know it’s not for everyone but there are other options. I sat with those thoughts for 6 months white knuckling it before I went to my first meeting, I wish I had gone sooner. It’s easier with help.