I wish I can live a clean healthy happy peaceful life,but,it seems something eats at my heart and soul and sucks me back! I totally feel like I'm nothing, and my spouse makes me feel worthless daily, so niw I'm depressed and I don't want to even get out of bed!
2 Likes
Depression really does suck and having a toxic spouse sure does make it harder to climb out of.
I am not going to pretend I know how you feel.
I do know you are worthy of respect and deserving of the happy peaceful life you want.
You are definitely not nothing, you are more than capable of winning this fight, as dark as it seems right now.
The first thing you might try is to stop beating yourself up mentally and show yourself the compassion you would someone else.
It's not your fault,
You are not broken,
You are not problem.
"YOU ARE THE SOLUTION"
Take some deep breaths, calm yourself as best you can and try and try again.
It's not over while you're in the fight to win.
I believe in you!
Im sure everyone else here does as well.
2 Likes
I hope you get to gather money and walk. A change of scenery will help. Watering plants was a quick fix of getting out of depression for me when I used to do that. And I hope your spouse's words turn into background elevator music soon where it doesn't hold any more power.
1 Like
I was in the same situation but worse. I lost everything,deep depression, anxiety phycosis, alcoholic, crack addict, lost my lady and my place to stay.
Once I turned to my higher power he took away the desire for drugs and alcohol. I started reading the word daily and after while the depression and all that comes with it was gone.
Filled with joy and peace like no other. My affairs start falling back in place and I give him all the glory. His presence is with me all the time. Hope this helps 
1 Like
I know what it's like to be in a toxic marriage. I did it for 22 years. My addiction was in full throttle and I was asked to leave. I still struggle to this day with loving myself. My family of origin wasn't much help either.
I'll keep you in my prayers Deborah. It's important to feel and be loved and respected. I hope you get to experience the real joy of living sober
Go seek a professional!
Do not worry about anything from the peanut gallery. Only look at what is positive and feels right. Do anything to get out of self and not use ir drink. But realize this poor excuse of a boyfriend is not showing love but just egoistic insecurities of him. So if need be you can think of plan be. As you do not have to let anyone shame you. You deserve friends, and positive vibes. God does not want you to be hurt by this person. But be grateful and try your best but be your best friend and give yourself lots of breaks as loved ones do. Keep getting help till you can help others)
Deborah, what you described is what I refer to as my disease, addiction and ego. When I became aware of it I took action by doing my AA program.
- Meetings
- 12 steps w sponsor
- Service in the sober community.
17 years of sobriety and grateful.
Iām here if you want to talk or have any questions