My mother is dying of ALS. My husband was just diagnosed with a rare lymphatic disease, my dog (my fur child of 12 years) has been diagnosed with bone marrow cancer, I’ve just started a rigorous graduate program, and I haven’t slept in over 2 weeks.
After 10 1/2 months of sobriety I decided I had had enough of life’s lemons and let the Bourbon B!tch (my inner addict’s name) win one. Well she’s been winning for a month now…it’s Wednesday and I’m tipsy…again…wishing I were better, wishing I WANTED to be sober. I wish I could have a glass of wine without obsessing over the next glass. Wishing I could sip whiskey around the camp fire without drinking the whole flask. Wishing I could be a “normal” drinker.
How do people survive in this environment?? How can I be sober when faced with such turmoil, watching my loved ones suffer??
I'm sorry you're going through all of that. It's a lot to process for anyone, and I know it must hurt a lot. 
I don't have all the answers, but I know that coming here and being open and honest is a good sign. You still care. That's big.
Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are
restless, irritable and discontented
unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks—
drinks which they see others taking with impunity.
After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the
phenomenon of craving
develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an
entire psychic change
there is very little hope of his recovery.”
This entire psychic change is acquired by taking the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
You should simply start going to meetings and listen to what's being said. You can talk to others who have been where you are at.
If you can't stop on your own, there are treatment centers to help you.
My prayers go out to you and your family. I'm sorry I don't have more than prayer and support to offer. If ever you want to vent or talk I will listen. Reach out. My prayers always. 
Health issues are usually at the top of my list for calling off the wagon. I have a sickly mother and going on and out of the hospital . The stress is beyond something I can handle. I understand the need to numb the pain but what I realized is that when I get up the problem is not solved and I have another problem … a hangover … I wish I had the answers but I do have prayers for you all and all your family members 
“By every form of self deception and experimentation we tried to prove we could drink like other people”
“selfishness self centeredness, that we think is the root of our problems”
I lost a loved one while drinking. Rather than being there for them I got drunk because it was a good excuse for me to do what I wanted, get drunk. My selfishness while drinking knows no limits. I would rather enjoyed the time I had with them. Being sober, present, and of service.
I am sorry for the horrific losses you and your loved ones are experiencing—but drinking in my experience is part of the problem and not the solution—we can be there for them or out disease. When we are there for our disease we disappear 🫠 into our disease. A woman takes a drink, a drink takes a drink, a drink takes a woman. The only choice we have is not to take that first drink, no matter what! I have known too many people who were selfish and disappeared 🫠 and weren’t there for their family—don’t be another statistic—be a sober loved 
one by not taking the next drink! I have said how under my comments—love you and need you, Deb
Yea I understand you are going through unimaginable times in life but drinking doesn’t heal ya loved ones. All it does is add more resentment and guilt. I hope you find what you are looking for. Alcoholics aren’t normal drinkers, so get that outta ya head. Use your pain and help yaself and others.
For me drinking masks my negative emotions and them makes them worse, all in one night of drinking. I feel I handle tough situations better without alcohol where I am not on as big of a roller coaster. All that being said I'm really sorry to hear of these troubles and will pray for peace to come to you and your family. I hope things get better for you, remember this isn't the end.
Wow! Thank you all so much for your kind words and amazing support! I’ve read them over and over finding truth and direction in them. I did not drink yesterday and slept through the night for the first time in almost 3 weeks! I love the saying Deb wrote, “a woman takes a drink, a drink takes a drink, a drink takes the woman”. That hit me like a bullet through the heart—I allowed myself to believe I needed the drink to help get me through when I know it’s only pulling me into myself and away from those who need me. It’s a long hard journey, but at least now I have a compass. Love and healing to all of you! 
Oh my you have so much on your plate. I am so sorry for all you are going through. I cannot imagine how heavy this feels. Lean on friends, family and meetings. Maybe start therapy? Take it one moment at a time.