TW:suicide, poor life choices.
I have exactly 0 days sober... im not proud. Though, I didnt relapse. My sobriety journey hasnt even begun. My dad commited suicide when i was a baby, I grew up in a house with a very abusive alcoholic step dad (who is actually my dads biological brother), i didnt finish high school, longest ive had a steady job was like 8 months. ive never gotten my own apartment or house, ive never even had a bill in my name before. The only relationships I've had are long-term and toxic af. Ive been abused by everyone whos ever told me they love me. I started doing drugs when I was 13. And i dont mean just smoking a joint behind ya' mama's garage. I graduated to smoking meth real quickly. I was trying to cope. I quit when i was 17, but then after only a year or two opiates took over my life. Not fent but real percs from a pharmacy. I struggled with opiates for many years. I moved over 2k miles away and still couldnt escape. I tried quitting several times, went and saw dr's, tried suboxone but it didnt work, i just abused those too. I just couldnt fight off that demon. I hated that i felt like i was dying but couldnt just sleep it off, insomnia is part of the withdrawal symptoms. I had no support system at all and was being severally abused in my relationship, the future never looked too bright. Then One day when i was 27, i was given a fake pill, a fentynol pill and it almost killed me. If my tolerance hadnt been so dang high i would be dead right now. That was it. I was finally done. I concocted a very desperate plan. Two days later i was on an airplane flying back to my home state. A few close friends of mine had started using meth in my absence. And that was my ticket to freedom off opiates. I was going to use meth as a crutch to quit taking pills. Because if i was on meth, i wouldnt care that i couldnt sleep. The day my plane landed was the last day i ever took an opiate recreationally. I did it, i quit pills cold turkey and have never looked back. (I do NOT recomend trying to do this tho) But i traded one problem for another. At the end of the day making the choice to smoke meth again after almost 10 years exactly saved my life i dont doubt that at all. But now im a meth addict. Again. Being a drug addict is the only thing i know. I dont have any support. I dont have people who really love me. I never wanted to be a drug addict. But by the time i even understood that being a drug addict was even a thing, it was too late. I already was one. Am i too far gone? Is there no hope??
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